Shane "The Hypochondriac" Carwin

Prenote: I actually really like Shane Carwin, of all the fighters i've spoken to he was probably one of the nicest. This is purely written (badly) for (very few) laughs.


I recently found a copy of Shane Carwins e-diary he had been writing. Here are the entries:

March 1st: Dear Diary. The internet is being mean again. I don't understand what the joke is about lactic acidosis. Lactor the acid monster sounds scary. - Shane

March 3rd: Hello Diary. I almost fell over today. When I went to the doctor he told me this can be caused by many things, from a momentary loss of balance, to a disturbance in the inner ear canal affecting stability and proprioception. I'm 99% sure I had the latter. - Shane

March 15th: Hi Diary. Went to the doctor today feeling terrible, my nose was leaking, it was hard for me to talk... My doctor told me not to worry, It was just a Rhinovirus. What kind of advice is that? If it can affect a rhino I think I should be very fucking worried! - Shane

March 28th: Greetings Diary, Greg has been putting me through some intense exercises lately and i've noticed my mouth has been really dry. The doctor said it was "just" dehydration and I should drink more water! I think this doctor is a quack, WebMD says dehydration can be fatal and his cure is WATER? - Shane

March 29th:  How are you Diary? Went back to the doctor and he looked at me funny for a few minutes. Then he said I might be right and wrote me a prescription for something called H2o. He told me to get it filled at the pharmacy in the surgery. He said he would call ahead to make sure it was ready for me. I guess he's a good guy after all. I KNEW it was serious. Take THAT internet. - Shane

April 14th: Diary my friend. I finally got the courage to go to the doctor today with a potentially career threatening problem. For as long as I can remember I black out for a split second, often several times a minute. The doctor told me it is something called "blinking" and that it was very normal. If it's so normal why doesn't WebMD have a page on it!? - Shane

April 27th: Hello again Diary. I spoke to the doctor today because I am feeling tired after training. Having looked up the symptoms I am certain I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I am tired every day after training no matter what size of gloves I wear. It doesn't make any sense. - Shane

May 24th: I'm sorry it's been so long since we talked Diary, i've been really busy. I lifted some weights today. They were really heavy. I think this is a side effect of my chronic fatigue syndrome. I will need to speak to my doctor about treatment options. - Shane

May 25th: It's me again Diary! I'm back from the doctor, he told me the best cure for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is to listen to a recording of myself talking about my next fight for 10 minutes. I guess hearing your own voice relaxes you or something? - Shane

May 26th: Diary! It worked! I started listening to myself and fell asleep! - Shane

June 8th: It's good to see you again Diary. Some people on twitter told me my interviews for the upcoming UFC 131 bout against Junior Dos Santos made them fall asleep. It appears my voice works for everyone! I wonder what other magic powers I have... - Shane

June 10th: I'm confused, Diary. Someone on twitter suggested my magic power is being able to change my height at will. I don't get it. - Shane

June 12th: Aloha Diary. For some reason being hit in the face a few dozen times made it hard for me to punch Junior Dos Santos last night. My doctor says it was because of something called an "Adrenaline Dump." - Shane

June 13th: You are the only e-friend who doesn't judge me Diary. The internet are making fun of me again. Adrenaline dumps are serious! Why are they so mean to me? Don't they know I'm an engineer? That means I must be really smart! - Shane

June 14th: Dearest Diary, can i call you BFF? Anyway, Wikipedia says I can get more adrenaline if I get a sudden scare. I asked Greg to jump out at me between rounds. He said "Well I told Georges to hit Aalves with his groin, so why not." I didn't understand his point to be honest.  - Shane

June 27th: I have some bad news Diary. I read today that using computers can cause something called "repetitive strain injury" affecting the wrist. This must be why I couldn't knock out Dos Santos. Sorry Diary, but for the sake of my career we can no longer be friends. - Shane

June 28th : Diary, I miss you. Don't tell anyone I was here. Love Shane xxx