Okay, first things first this is supposed to be a stupid piece for poops and giggles - it "stars" guys who have failed PED tests in MMA and it's not intended to suggest those guys are (or were) taking PEDs.
In the interests of full disclosure the style is a pale imitation of krcampbells incredible series of blogs on the early UFC and Pride events.
Our event tonight stars the following former UFC Fighters:
Marquardt vs Sonnen
Barnett vs Sylvia
Shamrock vs Kimo
Belfort vs Bonnar
Sherk vs Franca
Baroni vs Dewees
T.Silva vs Irvin
Leben vs Royce Gracie
Our first fight of the evening sees the legendary Royce Gracie face off against TUF bad-boy Chris Leben. This should be an interesting clash of styles as modern brawler Leben takes on the godfather of the UFC in Royce Gracie.
As the first round begins we see Leben sluggishly throwing lazy hands which Gracie is easily able to move away from. Gracie is making Leben chase him around the Octagon and we are approaching the end of round one when suddenly Leben taps! On his own. In the middle of the octagon. Then vomits.
Result: Royce Gracie Def. Chris Leben via Hangover.
While the octagon is being cleaned up Nick Diaz joins Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg on commentary to discuss PED use in MMA. What follows is 10 minutes of Nick Diaz sulking in the direction of anyone asking him questions and Joe Rogan saying at least 24 times that Marijuana has never killed anyone and it can make you fly.
Our second fight is a contest literally no one is excited for: James Irvine vs Thiago Silva.
As we get underway Thiago silva stands at one side of the octagon making the scariest faces possible and James Irvin rushes across the octagon where he throws an incredible number of punches, and incredibly misses with every one of them. With 34 seconds of the first round gone Irvin sinks to the mat completely exhausted. After a quick rendition of "in the air tonight" on Irvins back Silva sinks in the RNC for the win.
Result: Thiago Silva Def. James Irvin via Rear Naked Choke
Between fights we go to a cageside interview between Joe Rogan and Dana White. Regarding the upcoming fight Dana says "Listen, Phil Baroni is a f**king fighter. The f**king guy comes to f**king fight every f**king time.
When asked abut the main event participants Dana has this to say:
"Listen, Chael Sonnen has done his time, ok? I'm not the commission, the commission don't listen to me, i'm just a guy who looks like Lex Luthor to them. Chael has served his suspension from the commission and it's not up to me to punish him any more than they already have."
On Marquardt Dana said the following: "I am absolutely f**king disgusted by Marquardt and if it wasn't for fact he suddenly started giving f**king incredible promos he would be out of the UFC forever! This is a guy who gave everyone the correct f**king paperwork for a f**king year then made a f**king mistake! He should never fight in the UFC again and i hope he dies in a f**king fire. F**k him!
We go straight to the cage as the next fight begins - Phil Baroni vs Edwin Dewees.
Baroni immediately charges across the cage and hits Dewees with a 39 punch combination in the 3 seconds it takes Dewees to fall to the ground from the first punch. After the fight Baroni walks around the octagon shouting "I'M DA BEST *gasps for air* EVA!" Before moving to stand beside referee Steve Mazagatti with his hands on his knees
Result: Phil Baroni Def. Edwin Dewees via KO.
Our next fight is ruled a no contest after both particpants are unable to follow referee Dan Miragliotta's instructions to engage each other due to prolonged bouts of laughter. Eddie Bravo translates that Hermes Franca is apparently saying "His arms... He looks like a T-Rex!" Between fits and As Sherk leans against the cage he can be heard muttering "His hair.. seriously, did you see his hair?"
Result: No Contest
With 4 fights gone we enter the Pay Per View section of our event with a Light Heavyweight contest between Vitor Belfort and Stephan Bonnar.
The fight begins with Bonnar attempting to replicate his classic TUF 1 Finale contest with Forrest Griffin by trading shots with Vitor Belfort. Predictably Belfort knocks him out after 6 seconds and his corner rush the octagon shouting "JIU JITSU!!! JIU JITSU!!!!"
Result: Vitor Belfort Def. Stephan Bonnar via KO
Our next event is called off when BOTH competitors suffer injuries on the way to the octagon - Kimo is crushed by a ridiculously heavy wooden cross he had chosen to carry and Ken Shamrock knocked himself out trying to check his own pulse after allegedly yelling "Petey! My heart!" Reports that his brother Frank offered to step in and "make Kimo look good" are unsubstantiated at this time.
Result: Fight Cancelled
As we prepare for our co main event of the evening, affectionately dubbed "The Cookie Dough Showdown" we are treated to footage of both men from their training camps. We see Tim Sylvia comfort eating Ben and Jerries ice cream after Matt Hughes made him cry followed by footage of Josh Barnett standing in front of a mirror practicing what appears to be a Hulk Hogan ear cup.
As both men lumber across the ring everyone in attendance now knows what it would look like if two slightly melted UFC action figures were to fight. Sylvia paws at Barnett lazily with a jab, like a bear trying to catch a very slow moving fish and Barnett responds with some backhand Wahoo McDaniel chops to the big mans chest.
Sylvia counters with what I can only assume was an attempt at a takedown but for all intents and purposes looks like a hug. Barnett takes the opportunity to tell Sylvia he smells and no one likes him. Sylvia immeditely bursts into tears and exists the Octagon running straight to the back telling referee John McCarthy "I don't want to play anymore!". The camera cuts to Forrest Griffin in the crowd looking grumpy.
After the fight Josh Barnett has the following words of wisdom for Joe Rogan: "How great is Texas! I mean Texas is awesome! Cheer if you love Texas! Cheer if you love America! Cheer if you love Josh Barnett! Cheer if you hate terrorists! Yeah!!!!"
Result: Josh Barnett Def. Tim Sylvia via verbal submission
Once Josh Barnett is finished climbing each side of the octagon and making Hulk Hogan ear cups to the various sections of the audience we are ready for our main event.
After seeing the Buffer 900 as Bruce Buffer attempts to be the most excited man ever while reading our the participants names our contest gets underway.
Under normal circumstances i'd feel bad about not giving a play by play for a fight, but this one was horrible. Chael Sonnen took Marquardt down for 14 minutes hitting him with over 800 incredibly ineffective punches before being caught in a kimura while in Marquardt's guard in what was possible the worst piece of submission defence seen since... well ever.
Result: Nate Marquardt Def. Chael Sonnen via Kimura
After the fight Nate Marquardt convinces the audience he is the nicest man to ever live, afterwards Sonnen claims that Barack Obama made himself black to get more votes and called Mother Theresa a fraud who would get slapped if she tried any of that "healing people" crap in his neighbourhood.
Join us next week for UFC on Versus 6 headlined by Some overrated former title contender vs someone with 3 FOTN bonuses, with Jim Miller vs Denis Siver on the undercard.