I’m a fairly well-connected person in the MMA world, so I wasn’t surprised when I recently received a pair of emails from MMA judges Nelson Hamilton and Douglas Crosby protesting the coverage of MMA judging (including Hamilton’s) from UFC 131. Just in case you’re not familiar with their accomplishments: last night Hamilton scored the Maia/Munoz tilt 30-27 for Munoz, and he awarded Leonard Garcia 29 points to Chan Sung Jung’s 28 in their WEC 48 bout. Crosby’s most infamous score was a 50-45 ruling in favor of Frankie Edgar in the first Penn/Edgar fracas, and he compounded fan and media outrage due to the manner he defended his tally on MMA Underground.

Because they wanted to give their side of the story, and because they respected me as an objective observer, we conducted an interview. Hamilton Skyped from in front of a set of Porta-Potties erected during the Apocalypse, while Crosby texted from Phil Baroni’s house. What follows is that interview:

Me: How are you doing, guys?

Nelson Hamilton: Fine, thanks.

Douglas Crosby: Dare I give an answer? … Yes, I dare! I, sir, am … OK!

Me: That’s great. So, Nelson, since you’re sort of the star of the hour, would you care to explain your 30-27 scorecard?

Nelson Hamilton, during the end-times. Via mmastreamed.com

NH: Gladly. In MMA judging, you’re required to award ten points to the winner of the round and nine points to the loser. Since I thought Munoz won all three rounds, I gave him 30 points, and since I thought Demian…

Me: Oh, sorry, I meant: would you care to explain why you thought Munoz won the first round against Maia?

NH: Did you watch the fight?

Me: yes.

NH: Well, what’s the problem, then?

Me: Well, in the first round Maia outstruck Munoz 23-7…

NH: According to Fightmetric.

Me: Yes, according to Fightmetric, and in addition he staggered Munoz with a left hook to the head at about 4:19 in the first.

NH: OK, I see where you’re going with this. Two things: first, Munoz threatened Maia with his shot all throughout that round, causing Maia to have to change his game …

Me: Wait, what?

NH: Munoz is a talented wrestler; the mere threat of his shot all throughout the round allowed him to win the all-important ring-generalship category, and moreover, he took all that Maia had to give and then some!

Me: What about the left that wobbled Munoz?

NH: That actually leads to my second point: Munoz was playing possum.

Me: What? How do you know that?

NH: Did you listen to what Joe Rogan said? He said, talking about Munoz, "not sure what hit him there". And if you think about it, nothing hit him!

Me: No, he was hit.

NH: Well, he was hit by, like, Maia’s wrist or some shit.

Douglas Crosby: Can I interject here?

Me: Please do.

Douglas Crosby, presumably poisoned by Phil Baroni. Via squabbles.com

DC: I know you’re waiting. Waiting with breath, snugly bated, for pearls of my wisdom.

Me: Simply not true. What did you think of the judging in UFC 131?

DC: The judging, it was … what it was. I had a slight disagreement with the good Doctor Nelson Hamilton, however: I scored the Maia/Munoz fight 29-28 for Munoz.

Me: A very sensible score.

DC: You see, the first round obviously went to … Munoz: 10-7

Me: Oh no.

DC: And the second round was … a clear Maia victory: 10-7

Me: How will this add up to 29-28?

DC: And the third went to Munoz, 12-11.

Me: Those scores make no sense, and I’m positive that the third score is not legal.

DC: Shall I explain?

Me: Please do.

DC: Is it the time for me to get to it?

Me: Yes.

DC: Must the getting-to commence?

Me: You explain your fucking scores.

DC: In the first round … Munoz baited Maia into a false sense of comfort. I gave Munoz a three-point lead for Filipino trickery. In the second … Maia had something planned the whole time, and I could barely wait for what it was. I gave Maia a big second-round lead for foreshadowing. In the third, Maia held on to Munoz’s barrel chest for dear life, hoping … against hope … to evade the waves of the cage that lurked below, licking their water-lips in the hopes of gulping him up. You called it a crucifix; I call it … the guard of the ancient mariner! I gave him a bonus point for evading the drowning, but I gave Munoz … two bonus points for serving as Maia’s ship and anchor.

Me: You text like Shatner talks.

Just then, Cecil peoples swings in through my window!

Cecil Peoples: It’s Peoples-time!

Tune in for the exciting conclusion! Actually, I won't write one.