whats up everybody. it's your friendly bloodyelbow stoner saying high from hi town. i'm the guy who wrote the hilariously incoherent article about dana white or something a few weeks ago. anyway, yeah i'm baked again. i wish i could post more on BE when i'm high, but i'm usually chillin with my boys or getting laid (you who've tried it know the magic). but lucky me, i tonight find myself on the elbow. and this time, mary jane led me somewhere never seen before: into the mind of the spider (not to be confused with "da spyda"), anderson silva. yeah thats right. i incepted into his fucking brain and listened to excepts of thoughts about his career and matchmaking.
fresh off his win over dan henderson, i enter anderson silva's thought process:
andy: "f**k yeah i'm good. took out rich franklin for the second time. defended my honor and the ufc name by taking out the pride champ. everybody loves me. i'm gonna be the michael jordan of mma [ed. note: he actually thought "pele of mma," but due to the fact that soccer sucks donkeyballs, this has been altered for the sake of everyone who ever lived]. who you gonna throw at me next, dana?"
dana white: holy f**k! anderson f**king silva has f**king cleaned out the entire f**king division. maybe he'll fight at f**king LHW!
andy: "LHW! awesome. i'm gonna be a contender at LHW too! hell, i might even win that belt too. two belts? my demon effigy of a god that i pray to will be very pleased!"
fight announcement - Andason Silver (<-- see what i did there) vs. James "The Sandman (because his chin is more fragile than a sandcastle) Irvin!
andy: "james irvin? come on are people ducking me? either way, imma show everyone i want way better than james irvin. i mean come on, this guy will probably be out of the ufc in 2 fights at most. whatever, i'll just go in and beat him up. and everybody will love me :)" [ed. note: yes, sanderson ilva actually does think in emoticons.]
james irvin gets KTFO
andy: "alright enough with this small talk. let me get a real challenger now at 205. at least someone who mike goldberg can call 'a real contender, at two hundred and five pounds" [ed. note: read it in goldy voice]. oh but what's this a contender at middleweight? did dana hire some other star in japan? i mean the ufc has absolutely nobody to offe... patrick cote? the guy who had that awful deathmetal song written about him? [ed. note: youtube it]. i mean, i dont know what's worse, him or the song. psh i wont even train for this fight. i could beat him in my sleep."
silva beats cote in his sleep.
andy: "well i hope they learned from that one. i really dont want to fight another can. i mean, who am i, michael bisping? give me someone tough. 185, 205, it doesnt matter. i want rashad evans! i want rampage! i want... THALES LEITES? alright ive done some weird shit for money back in brazil, but this is absolute chupacabra shit. f**k you dana white. i will literally do nothing for 5 rounds. now give me somebody worthwhile!"
silva does absolutely nothing, but still wins
andy: "jesus christ, dana, i hope you learned your lesson from that one. how many times do i have to do it? give me something i can actually get excited for! forrest griffin? sure he'll do. i can really establish myself at 205 by clowning him here. this is going to be fun. time to tell all this stupid mma bloggers that i haven't gone off the deep end."
silva becomes a mike goldberg dream, not only being "so elusive, isn't he joe?" but also his "precision was very precise." forrest gump runs away like forrest griffin.
andy: "ahh, what a night. i secured highlight reels for the next 10 years, made myself a contender at 205, and everybody loves me again. maybe i'll fight for the title soon? as long as i dont get any more patrick cotes or thales leites or... ... demian maia...
[ed. note: yes, anderson silva thinks in internet memes]
over the course of 25 minutes, silva angers the entire nation of the United Arab Emirates. gas prices rise by $0.50.
andy: "i'm bored. fighting is boring. it's like playing call of duty on easy, over and over and over and over. everybody hates me. i'm sick of my job. my collars don't pop nearly as crisply as they did before. i'm sad. joe silva next message? forget it. it's probably chael sonnen. whatever, he's not that good either. let's go shopping fore larger and more sparkly things to put on my ears. training? eh, maybe later."
the comback triangle-armbar
andy: "holy schneikes! that was a hell of a fight! wow! i can't believe i won that! this is the me that i loved from before! that was incredible! man it feels good to be a real champion again! even so, i probably should step up my training. that was embarrassing for 23 minutes! no more of that. plus, getting hit by punches actually hurts. alright dana, thanks for the challenge. give me another one, and this time, i'll be ready."
vitor belfort, and the kick.
well that was as far as i incepted into the mind of the you eff see middlewait champion. i really should fanpost on BE more often when i'm lit. shit was purple, i swear.
***the official united states inception bureau has confirmed that these are the actual thoughts, verbatim, occurring in silva's head
PS: i recently realized i have the absolute worst name in BE. bcpjkell? really? bee see pee jay kell? i'm getting bored just reading it. can i change it somehow?