FanPost

A future retrospective history on the later phase rise of Zuffa Earth governance and subsequent cosmic expansion


I met a traveller from an antique land who said 'Zuffa's purchase of Strikeforce is just the beginning... now here is the rest'

March 2011 > Zuffa buy Strikeforce.

January 2012 > Zuffa buy out the world's remaining combat promotions (except Bellator which Dana allows to continue trading, but only for the promotion of MMA bouts between amoeba and certain species of fungus.  DW is quoted as saying ‘look, while we're not quite ready to go into this yet ourselves, I like the ballistospores on some of these guys, so we'll see how they do before we make up our minds.')

April 2014 > Zuffa begins systematic buy out of television networks in the U.S and beyond.  Part of the ‘policy revamp' for on air branding includes the requirement that all presenters (male and female) must look like Andre Agassi and that the letter ‘S' must now be pronounced as ‘Z'. 

November 2014 > A buy out of leading media across the world follows.

August 2015 > Zuffa trademark the terms ‘punch', ‘kick', ‘guard' and the concept of the ‘corner' as well as a plethora of other fight terms.  From now on, all uses of these terms in conversation or on media will require pre-arranged Zuffa clearance and royalty payment of a thousand ‘Zuffadollars' (Please see March 2017)

November 2015 > Zuffa make the Governments of the world an offer they can't refuse (thought to include a free lifetime supply of UFC Pay per View events) and Chuck Liddell is appointed Executive Vice President of Planetary Development, the one state which does not accept Liddel's new role is New York.

December 2015 > Zuffa renames Continetal America; The United States of Zuff.

January 2016 > All polyhedrons are outlawed except the Octagon, no one may use the term ‘square', ‘triangle', ‘rectangle' (etc.) all shapes must now be universally replaced with Octagons.  The only exception to this being the circle, as Dana didn't like Octagonal wheels on his Hummer.

March 2017 > Zuffa introduces new currency; the Universally Functioning Credit or ‘Zuffadollar' as it is to be known.  The Zuffadollar value is not determined on a currency exchange basis but by a daily communiqué from ‘Zuffcapital' (formerly known as Las Vegas) wherein Dana designates the exchange rate with the dwindling number of remaining independent currencies.  Criteria for the daily valuation of Zuffadollars depends on what kind of mood Dana is in after breakfast.  Other factors relative to remaining currency survival (for example the Yen) may include whether Lorenzo enjoyed his sushi, or whether or not Nick Diaz's Honda remains a source of amusement to Dana.

May 2017 > Bellator is folded and the UFC now promote ‘Single cell, Bacterial and Eukaryotic MMA'
> Frank Shamrock is forced out of retirement to fight Brock Lesnar, however Shamrock's limbs are temporarily removed via laser surgery and he is instructed that he can only fight Lesnar using his nose.  In a surprising twist, Shamrock's nose defeats Lesnar who ‘turtle's up' in response to repeated head strikes. 

July 2017 >  Zuffa release details of their newest project: the ‘BLC Fighting Championships'.
The Bruce Lee Clone Fighting Championships is the result of years of secret genetic engineering research by Zuffa scientists whereby a pantheon of Bruce Lee clones are created each with their own genetically modified phenotype, these include ‘Sumo Bruce' (weighing in at 400lbs),  'Octo-Lee-pus' (a Bruce Lee with 4 arms and 4 legs) as well as an entire division composed only of ‘Micro Bruce's' (a series of differentiated Bruce Lee's 2 feet tall) and of course the ‘NanoWeight' BL division composed of Bruce Lee atoms trained for combat whose fights are watched under an electron microscope - in Toronto.

September 2017 > Zuffa announces that the landmass of continental Australia (always a Zuffa favourite) has been purchased and that with the aid of the new ‘Tectonic PED's' will be made to fight to the death with Mount Everest.  Any geological mass consistently looking to go to decision will be ‘dropped from the promotion' (i.e. excavated from its continental shelf and ejected into deep space to quote unquote ‘fight other bums... like the Oort cloud')

October 2018 > Zuffa rename Planet Earth ‘Anne' in honour of Mrs. White.

December 2018 >  Zuffa patent the use of new terraforming technology to ‘create additional revenue streams'. 

This marks the ‘Interstellar expansion' period of Zuffa's development and will include: re-forming the moon into a likeness of Chuck Liddell to mark Liddell's promotion to Executive Vice President of the Solar System.

January 2019 > As a surprise for Dana, the cyclical trajectory of Haley's comet is re-arranged so that it returns each year on July 28th (White's birthday) a birthday gift from the Fertita's.

February 2020 > Dana declares that both Jupiter and Saturn are ‘In the mix' for the new Heavy Weight Planet division that the UFC has planned.  White confirms that Zuffa are prepared to sign other planets if necessary to bring in some competition but wont use the tournament format because ‘This is a sport, not a crazy freak show'.

June 2020 > Zuffa sign Electromagnetism for a proposed bout with Gravity (White: ‘...People say Gravity's a weak force but I don't buy it... have you ever seen this guy let anyone up once he's taken it to the ground?  Besides his ground and pound is sick, I'm telling you man.')

January 2021 > Zuffa announce that the Big Bang has been convinced to come out of retirement (rebellion leaders claim this is a PR stunt).  Zuffa release ticket sale details for the Big Bang's return to action against an opponent yet to be named (Zuffa insiders claim the bout will be against Eternity but they may have to tweak the 10 point Must system before they can put the bout together).  The bout is confirmed as a championship bout and will take place over 5 rounds.

November 2021 > MMA is legalized in New York.

\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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