Last night, Chris Tuchscherer took on Mark Hunt in one of UFC 127's preliminary matchups. Hunt, who has not won a fight since 2006, pummeled his ass so hard that Tuchscherer's back fat is still jiggling from it. Hunt, who looks like the love child of Tito Ortiz and Roy Nelson, dyed Tuchscherer's blond hair pink. Hunt, who was last relevant when Creed walked the earth, did something that he never should have been able to do: he won. Let's think about this.
You are fighting: A guy who thinks an omaplata is an appetizer at P.F. Chang's. A guy who got armbarred by Sean McCorkle, whose wikipedia page talks more about his internet habits than his fighting. A guy who has lost six fights by submission, and only once by knockout.
You should probably: Take him down and submit him, or, at the very least, grind out a decision win.
Wasn't that easy? Let's try it again.
You are: A guy who is not known for your stand-up skills. Two of your three losses been by knockout.
You are fighting: The 2001 K-1 Grand Prix winner. Who won the 2001 K-1 Grand Prix. Which is the most prestigious kickboxing tournament in the world. An expert in hurting you with his hands, feet, knees, elbows, and buttocks.
You should probably: Not fucking stand and trade punches with him.
ONE WOULD ASSUME, AT LEAST. However, in a Couture-esque bit of gameplanning, Tuchscherer proceeded to keep the fight standing, simply baffling the Polynesian pugilist. Hunt, not expecting such an unorthodox strategy from his Dragonball Z-haired opponent... did exactly what anyone expected he would do if allowed to stand and trade punches. He split Tuchscherer's eyebrow open. It was a hideous, bloody mess. The last time I saw something of that shape dripping blood, my girlfriend was drunk and she wanted me to [EDITOR'S NOTE: The rest of this personal anecdote is completely fucking gross and unnecessary and has been omitted. We apologize for the mental image. In substitution, here is a picture of Meisha Tate's ass.]
Anyways, his initial gambit having failed, Tuchscherer, despite being as gassed as you would imagine a fat man in a fight to be after 30 seconds and bleeding like an extra in Kill Bill, managed to take Hunt down and come very close to submitting him with a kimura, only hindered by time and lactic acidosis. Between rounds, Tuchscherer's corner managed to change his tamp- er, that is, minimize the bleeding, and Tuchscherer, having exposed Hunt's weaknesses and found an easy path to victory, proceeded to...
...stand in front of Hunt and get knocked the fuck out. Jesus fucking Christ. Here's to you, Chris. You've got a long career ahead of you. I'm sure Alistair Overeem will need someone to molest in Japan at some point for resume padding.