Great Moments in Strategery: Chris Tuchscherer Edition
by inadvertentgroinstrike on Feb 27, 2011 12:27 PM EST
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PrintLast night, Chris Tuchscherer took on Mark Hunt in one of UFC 127's preliminary matchups. Hunt, who has not won a fight since 2006, pummeled his ass so hard that Tuchscherer's back fat is still jiggling from it. Hunt, who looks like the love child of Tito Ortiz and Roy Nelson, dyed Tuchscherer's blond hair pink. Hunt, who was last relevant when Creed walked the earth, did something that he never should have been able to do: he won. Let's think about this.
You are: A two-time NCAA Division II All-American, who trains with outstanding MMA wrestlers, including Sean Sherk and Brock Lesnar. You have won by submission seven times in your career.
You are fighting: A guy who thinks an omaplata is an appetizer at P.F. Chang's. A guy who got armbarred by Sean McCorkle, whose wikipedia page talks more about his internet habits than his fighting. A guy who has lost six fights by submission, and only once by knockout.
You should probably: Take him down and submit him, or, at the very least, grind out a decision win.
Wasn't that easy? Let's try it again.
You are: A guy who is not known for your stand-up skills. Two of your three losses been by knockout.
You are fighting: The 2001 K-1 Grand Prix winner. Who won the 2001 K-1 Grand Prix. Which is the most prestigious kickboxing tournament in the world. An expert in hurting you with his hands, feet, knees, elbows, and buttocks.
You should probably: Not fucking stand and trade punches with him.
ONE WOULD ASSUME, AT LEAST. However, in a Couture-esque bit of gameplanning, Tuchscherer proceeded to keep the fight standing, simply baffling the Polynesian pugilist. Hunt, not expecting such an unorthodox strategy from his Dragonball Z-haired opponent... did exactly what anyone expected he would do if allowed to stand and trade punches. He split Tuchscherer's eyebrow open. It was a hideous, bloody mess. The last time I saw something of that shape dripping blood, my girlfriend was drunk and she wanted me to [EDITOR'S NOTE: The rest of this personal anecdote is completely fucking gross and unnecessary and has been omitted. We apologize for the mental image. In substitution, here is a picture of Meisha Tate's ass.]
via middleeasy.com
Anyways, his initial gambit having failed, Tuchscherer, despite being as gassed as you would imagine a fat man in a fight to be after 30 seconds and bleeding like an extra in Kill Bill, managed to take Hunt down and come very close to submitting him with a kimura, only hindered by time and lactic acidosis. Between rounds, Tuchscherer's corner managed to change his tamp- er, that is, minimize the bleeding, and Tuchscherer, having exposed Hunt's weaknesses and found an easy path to victory, proceeded to...
...stand in front of Hunt and get knocked the fuck out. Jesus fucking Christ. Here's to you, Chris. You've got a long career ahead of you. I'm sure Alistair Overeem will need someone to molest in Japan at some point for resume padding.
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He’ll always be the scariest looking motherfucker in all of Mixed Martial Arts. That’s gotta count for something.
"That's racism man, I love to racism bro!"
by Hendo_One-Shot on Feb 27, 2011 12:40 PM EST reply actions
No.
Scarier motherfuckers include Manbearpig and his “I just raped your kids” face, Damacio Page looking like a young Danny Trejo, Cheick Kongo’s beastly muscles, and Wanderlei fucking Silva.
So much cock. A cock guy.
Read my stuff at SMG.
by inadvertentgroinstrike on Feb 27, 2011 2:25 PM EST up reply actions
Scary? He just looks stupid to me. And he proved me right last night.
by Horselover Fat on Feb 27, 2011 5:20 PM EST up reply actions 2 recs
"That's racism man, I love to racism bro!"
by Hendo_One-Shot on Feb 27, 2011 6:36 PM EST up reply actions
Bud Light presents: Real men of genius
Instead of using your elite ground skills, you proceed to stand, bang, and get knocked the fuck out for our amusement.
Here’s to you, Mr Jorge-Gurgel-wannabe.
by Mint on Feb 28, 2011 10:33 AM EST up reply actions 1 recs
lmao
I read this in the commercial voice. Well done sir.
"What do you know about my vision? My vision will turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Now ask yourself: Are you really ready to see that vision?"
-Huey Freeman
I was there for this... whole crowd went silent while the ref
…watched Gilbert rape a seemingly dead Pedro Rizzo.
f’n terrible… and the fight that preceded it was a pile of crap Lashley vs. Bob Sapp.
Best 2 fights that night were the last 2 fights on the card that got pushed to after the main event because of the PPV broadcast, lol.
You can read my work over @ http://www.headkicklegend.com/
"I swear it upon Zeus an outstanding runner cannot be the equal of an average wrestler."
-Socrates
by ElliotMatheny on Feb 27, 2011 11:18 PM EST up reply actions
Hilarious lol
'cause the heart that betrays itself willingly, Is like a nation that trades freedom for stability, its so seductive to be cold and corrupted and isolated and try to be an independent republic, But liberty to be loved on the surface is worthless, The sacrifice of revolution with no purpose
by ImmortalTechnique92 on Feb 27, 2011 2:07 PM EST reply actions
Question for the fanpost regulars...
Is strikethrough broken? I always try to throw in some smartassery with that and it never works. Halp?
So much cock. A cock guy.
Read my stuff at SMG.
by inadvertentgroinstrike on Feb 27, 2011 2:18 PM EST reply actions
Currently,
the strikethrough function is broken still totally working.
"Someone is WRONG on the internet. What do you want me to do? LEAVE? Then they'll keep being wrong!"
-Randall Munroe
by pdl on Feb 27, 2011 3:26 PM EST up reply actions 5 recs
Man, what the fuck?
Never works right for me in fanposts.
So much cock. A cock guy.
Read my stuff at SMG.
by inadvertentgroinstrike on Feb 27, 2011 3:47 PM EST up reply actions
Preview function = your friend.
You can read my work over @ http://www.headkicklegend.com/
"I swear it upon Zeus an outstanding runner cannot be the equal of an average wrestler."
-Socrates
by ElliotMatheny on Feb 27, 2011 11:19 PM EST up reply actions
Take it as a sign.
Video blog updated every Sunday with exciting MMA fights from smaller shows:
Bro, check out this fight!
That was a great read.
That is as funny and too the point of a post I have prolly ever read. Kudos
If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear, Do you think Greece would help?
middleeasy
So much cock. A cock guy.
Read my stuff at SMG.
by inadvertentgroinstrike on Feb 27, 2011 3:44 PM EST up reply actions
Really enjoyed the article!
I love the title too. Hopefully you can come up with more Great Moments in Strategery, I’d gladly read them all. :)
"The path to enlightenment is through suffering"
by RearNakedChoker on Feb 27, 2011 3:39 PM EST reply actions
Thanks.
I wish I’d thought of it earlier… TODDDUFFEE vs Ubereem begged for this.
So much cock. A cock guy.
Read my stuff at SMG.
by inadvertentgroinstrike on Feb 27, 2011 3:45 PM EST up reply actions
i thought brocklesnars strategery of not being punched in training was pretty good for his HW title defence
Sounds like Springfield's got a discipline problem.
- Maybe that's why we beat them at football nearly half the time.
by New_User on Feb 28, 2011 4:35 AM EST up reply actions 1 recs
This post is a good example of what is wrong with Dana White running around telling fighters what their game plan should be in the fight. If this was still a sport then you would use your skills, collect the ‘W’ and move on. But this stopped being a sport a while ago. Now if you use your skills unless your a boxer you end up getting kicked around by Dana. Look at Fitch for the prime example. Dana’s job is to promote the fights. He should shut his fucking mouth about how the fights are fought. Working that out is the job of the fighters and the coaches.
How do you get a Dana White rant from this article?
And I have to disagree.
“Now if you use your skills unless your a boxer you end up getting kicked around by Dana”
I dont remember Dana kicking anyone around because they use their ground and submissions games and finish fights. “You’re a crappy fighter and you’re fired for submitting everyone you fight!”
Fitch doesnt finish fights and for some reason doesnt feel the need to pass guard either.
Confucius says:
"Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk."
A rare point of agreement between us
Dana needs to shut the fuck up about Fitch.
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are in a confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift
Editor, HeadKickLegend.com
Contributor for CagesideSeats.com and Bloody Elbow Radio
Still Subo at Fightlinker.com
by Derek Suboticki on Feb 28, 2011 12:46 AM EST up reply actions
Great post!
This has been bugging me ever since I watched the fight. How fucking stupid is Chris Tuchscherer? Why did he choose to stand with, you know, MARK HUNT? I mean don’t get me wrong I’m kind of happy he did, because it was entertaining and Hunt got a KO win. But seriously, what in the fuck, why was he so keen on getting KTFO’d and cut from the UFC.. he was 1-2 in the UFC before the fight, now he’s 1-3, so he pretty much has to get cut.He easily could have taken it to the ground at any time he wanted, and most probably submitted Hunt. I guess he hates his job, and his brains. FUCK! SO STUPID! AND UGLY!
So thanks for formulating that into a well written and funny (and sexy) fanpost!
Agreed
I was already gonna rec it, but after that picture I made it an immediate action.
I don't want to say he's dirty, but Forrest Griffin looks like directly after a workout his crotch might resemble a cajun swamp.
http://twitter.com/FakeEmcee
http://www.unintelligentdefense.blogspot.com/
Is there a story behind that picture
Is that really Misha Tate? Is that really her ass? Why is she posing like that? Am I being played?
Whatever. It’s better than most of the pics around these parts.
Tatum: I think he's a good man. I like him. I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children.
by Dave Strummer on Feb 27, 2011 10:38 PM EST up reply actions
Even if it's not Meisha
That’s an ass worth posting.
I rarely tweet
I less-rarely write
"I ain't having it" - Buster Posey, hosing folks down
datass
everything dana white says is a complete lie
Now with added pic
So much cock. A cock guy.
Read my stuff at SMG.
by inadvertentgroinstrike on Feb 27, 2011 10:03 PM EST up reply actions
You had me at
A guy who thinks an omaplata is an appetizer at P.F. Chang’s.
Tatum: I think he's a good man. I like him. I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children.
Yep
I lost it when I read that.
"I can be friends with anybody. Man. Woman. Cat. Dog. Fish..... Alien." -Rampage
by Charles Awad on Feb 27, 2011 10:48 PM EST up reply actions
Chris just loves to stand and trade
and forgot that the dude he was in the ring with has the pedigree!
Good fight, awesome knockout!
Can’t wait for both to fight again, not necessarily against each other
¬_¬
by ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ on Feb 27, 2011 11:32 PM EST reply actions
Tuchscherer fought so stupidly
I wouldn’t have been surprised if he got finished by an actual pedigree
The only good bug is a dead bug!
by Anthony Pace on Feb 28, 2011 12:10 PM EST up reply actions
Might as well throw this in there...
I should have satyed out of Cain’s strawberry patch.
by donkeypunch on Feb 28, 2011 12:54 AM EST reply actions 5 recs
I guess all the purpose this article had was to show Tate’s assets.
It's just a world, it's just a life.
pan·der (pndr)
intr.v. pan·dered, pan·der·ing, pan·ders
To cater to the lower tastes and desires of others or exploit their weaknesses.
Video blog updated every Sunday with exciting MMA fights from smaller shows:
Bro, check out this fight!
"somethings hanging in my eye" -Chris "yea, its your eyelid" -Ref
Tuchscherer is a tough mother fucker though. He has taken the nasty cut from this fight and the hardest dick kick I have ever seen courtesy of Mr. Gonzaga.
We need the walk-off homerun (KO) gif
Cause it was fucking awesome
by Scribonius Curio on Feb 28, 2011 8:00 PM EST reply actions
Here you are sir
"What do you know about my vision? My vision will turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Now ask yourself: Are you really ready to see that vision?"
-Huey Freeman
It’s kind of funny that this article is making fun of ole Chris for not trying to wrestle and yet when he goes for a take down…BOOM!
If you can't wow them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit.
BOOM!...he gets taken down...
And, wtf was that left Hunt threw…
"Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it." -Mark Twain
by The American Ronin on Mar 3, 2011 2:04 AM EST up reply actions
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