Ok ok, he's not actually Darth Vader, that would explain a few things though... BUT! No, this is a different, but similar story, to the one you are already familiar with. It occurred a long, long, time ago (not really, like over the last 5 years or so) in.... our galaxy. Our planet too. Yea. ANYWAYS
A dark galactic MMA overlord had risen to power in the welterweight division. Using a slick blend of Karate, Muay Thai, BJJ, and total shaving of his body, the Dark Lord was crushing MMA rebels left and right. He had nearly assumed complete dominance of the division, only a few lonely rebel outposts remained, remnants of the old republic. Vader had found one of these remaining outposts. It had been away from the division for years, and intel suggested it was fat around the midsection and looked very tired most of the time.
Indeed, when the rebel appeared on the field of battle the intel held true. Pudgy, with bags under his eyes and absolutely reeking of cheeseburger, the rebel appeared woefully unprepared to face the dark lord's well rounded game, to say nothing of his superior size and athletecism. I mean, the rebel almost looked like he had cancer or something, not looking good for his fans. The battle commenced! Despite having the reach advantage the dark lord was outgunned! The pudgy rebel scored again and again! The dark lords eyes were cut! His cheeks were cut! His face a swollen, bloody mess! Finally, the little rebel snuck in through an unguarded exhaust port and snapped the dark lord's nose clean in half! Lasers! Explosions!
Reeling in pain and terror, the Dark lord reached into his vast toolbox, summoned one of the more boring powers of the force and used it in tandem with his superior size and gastank to suppress the rebel fire, smothering him on the ground long enough to make an escape. Or Saul showed up with the Millenium Falcon and shot GSP in his ass, whichever you prefer. The rebels had won the battle, but the Dark Lord had used his evil powers to sway the cards in his favor, despite the fright mask he now wore in place of a face. The battle was his. The dark lord retreated to a medicenter, the rebel went for cheeseburgers and Ho's. They knew they would meet again, one day....
After the shitty call the Dark Lord went on to even greater heights of power and conquest, eventually capturing the Galactic Welterweight Championship belt. Except for a freak incident involving an Ewok from New York, he reigned supreme over the welterweight system for years. At the same time, the rebel was also building up his power, finding new strength in the lighter-gravity system, crushing all opponents at pace with the dark lord.
Soon, both forces found themselves without match in their own systems, and saw the gathering storm clouds on the horizon. There would be a second meeting, and this time there would be no question. This time, it was "to the death." The rebel looked serious, chiseled from his time in the lighter gravity system without a single detectable trace of cheese or beef, and apparently sleeping well for the first time in years. On the other side of the field stood The Dark lord, and let me tell you he had never looked so shiny and hairless as he did on that day. Indeed, a battle the likes which had never been seen was set to take place.
The rebel came to meet the Dark Lord in the center of the cage to finish what he had started so long ago. But, unknown to the rebels, Vader had a plan. Using his superior size and wrestling he backed the rebel hero into a corner and proceeded to sap his strength with the Force Clinch, constantly trying to get the rebel prodigy off his feet. Wanting nothing to do with the superior firepower the rebel possessed, Vader clearly wanted this fight on the ground. The rebel welcomed this position, as last time the dark lord was rendered immobile and useless by patented force-high guard. But this time, something was different... The Force-High Guard wasn't working! It had somehow been rendered powerless!
The dark lord rained down blow after thudding blow, easily creating space enough to do so, laughing at the futility of the supposed best high guard in the galaxy. The Emperor's Royal Guard stepped in, and told The Dark Lord they saw his corner rubbing Vaseline on his shoulders and back, and would you please wipe that off and cut that shit out. The dark lord says "Oh? Whoops!" and does it again the next round. The Royal guard seems ok with this and continues to let Vader beat the living piss out of the rebel from in his guard. The punishment increased, the damage piled up. The rebel was gassed, he appeared to be talking to himself as the concussions added up. Finally, Vader whispers "I am your daddy, mon ami" as he pounds more elbows into the rebels face.
"NnnnnnehhhhOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed the rebel bitchassedly. Reagan had seen enough, and threw in the towel. The dark lord punches a ringpost. The rebel goes to a medicenter. Saul is frozen in carbonite. Time passes....
The rebel forces return to the lighter gravity system where the fights are much easier and less greasy. The Dark Lord Vader continues his reign over the welterweight system with an iron fist. The rebels took their case to the Empeor's guard but all they did is laugh at him and call him a "whiny fag", though the intergalactic rules of engagement are re-written to ensure that no one is able to use vaseline in such a fashion again.
The young rebel eventually gave up on trying to call attention to the heinous war crimes of Vader, mostly do to the fact he was labeled a "crybaby little b*tch" by the entire known universe. Plus he brought his mom with him. Bad move.
In crushing defeat and humiliation the rebel found new strength, new motivation to create the gas tank of a true Jedi. With the ancient Jedi Conditioning Master Yodinavich was where the young rebel would find this new tank, and he began his training immediately. He used this new gas tank to trounce his seemingly tireless foes well into the championship rounds, proving once and for all he was the master of the Lightweight system. But nothing lasts forever... Another Ewok showed up, this one from Jersey. 10 rounds of 1-2, in and out, 1-2, in and out later, our hero the rebel was ran out of the Lightweight system, too tired to even eat a cheeseburger.
Too good for everyone else in the division, but too slow to catch the Ewok, he had ony one place to turn: The Welterweight system, and the Dark Lord within. He crushed his first opponent with ease, and is preparing to face his final stepping stone on his path to vengeance and vindication: Darth Hump.
If he defeats Darth Hump in battle this weekend, I think the Emperor will see fit to grant him another chance at Vader, and I want this more than anything in the Universe, even more than seeing Vader get horribly, utterly, and completely raped by The Sith Overlord Silva (this is a given, the only people who should want to see Vader vs Silva are the ones that want to see Vader dead).
But am I the only one? It's lonely being BJ's #1 fan, lemme tellya. Is there any others out there?
106 votes total
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