Well it finally happened. The race is alien honey badger-infused Polar Bears drunk on FourLoco has finally invaded our dear planet Earth.
You, as a mad scientist, abduct every fighter and put together your very own Frankenstein's Monster to fight these beasts. Who gets the bolts and screws?
But effective nonetheless!
Head: Georges St. Pierre. No fighter on the planet is smarter than GSP. I don't mean booksmart, or that he'd stand up in a debate. What I mean is that Georges St. Pierre is the most carefully-crafted fighter in MMA history. His personality is cheerful and benign, he's absurdly popular, he's a handsome guy that dresses to the nines, and you never hear about any outside-the-cage incidents with Georges. Fight-wise, Georges will never be underprepared. The Serra fight can be excused as a hiccup, and I've heard he had a lot of personal problems at the time. GSP has a gameplan in mind every fight, and uses it to perfection. He breaks people. He destroys their spirit and he does it coming out smelling like a rose, and an even bigger draw.
Chin: Chris Leben. Chris is one of my favorite fighters, and one of the most troubled with booze. I'm sure that's just a coincidence. At any rate, what Chris can do is absorb punches. Lots of them. FYI, waaaayyy too many people talk about "chin" as it's the actual chin of a human being. "Chin" is an expression that's been used for decades to gauge one's ability to absorb punishment. I'm just showing a literal interpretation of that.
Arm: Frank Mir. Mir does more with his arm than anyone in MMA. He uses it to throw strikes, he uses it to wrap up opponents in submissions and chokes, and he uses it in the clinch for his newly-fangled Muay-Thai game.
Arm: Rousimar Palhares: Not as diverse as Mir, but Toquinho's arm serves the same purpose. End limbs.
Left Hand: Nick Diaz: Not one-punch power per se, but enough of those "Stockton Slaps" will get my opponent flustered and battered to make way for....
Right Hand: Dan Henderson: THE H-BOMB! I keep waiting for someone to shrug it off. I'm still waiting. Henderson's damned right hand has turned immortals into men many times. If I wagered on any fight to end via KO, Dan Henderson is behind it.
Torso: Anderson Silva. Always in great shape, seldom tired, has movement unlike anyone else in the game. As a moving target, unmatched. Speed, elusiveness, endurance, strength, shiftiness. You can't ask for a better core as the core of my monster.
Groin: Cheick Kongo: Anybody that delivers that many groin strikes must have a secret for defending against retaliatory strikes. You know, Mike, Diamond MMA makes a cup...
Leg: Pat Barry: Chopping down opponents is Pat Barry's speciality. I wish he'd use it more, but Barry's leg kicks are absolutely traumatizing. They've made people quit.
Leg: Marius Zaromskis: I really wanted to have Mirko's leg here, but we all know that's a faded dream. Whitemare had some downtime after running through Dream like shit through a goose, but based on his goddamned cartwheel kick and some action before that, it appears Zaromskis is back.
NOW ATTACK, UNHOLY ABOMINATION!
What would your perfect fighter look like?
(Also, GIANT thanks to Adam Hatchl for the tremendous nightmare fuel picture. Follow the genius on Twtter @Snatchl)