Creating Your Perfect Fighter
by BVandDietPepsi on Dec 17, 2011 7:13 PM EST
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Well it finally happened. The race is alien honey badger-infused Polar Bears drunk on FourLoco has finally invaded our dear planet Earth.
You, as a mad scientist, abduct every fighter and put together your very own Frankenstein's Monster to fight these beasts. Who gets the bolts and screws?
HE'S HIDEOUS!
But effective nonetheless!
Head: Georges St. Pierre. No fighter on the planet is smarter than GSP. I don't mean booksmart, or that he'd stand up in a debate. What I mean is that Georges St. Pierre is the most carefully-crafted fighter in MMA history. His personality is cheerful and benign, he's absurdly popular, he's a handsome guy that dresses to the nines, and you never hear about any outside-the-cage incidents with Georges. Fight-wise, Georges will never be underprepared. The Serra fight can be excused as a hiccup, and I've heard he had a lot of personal problems at the time. GSP has a gameplan in mind every fight, and uses it to perfection. He breaks people. He destroys their spirit and he does it coming out smelling like a rose, and an even bigger draw.
Chin: Chris Leben. Chris is one of my favorite fighters, and one of the most troubled with booze. I'm sure that's just a coincidence. At any rate, what Chris can do is absorb punches. Lots of them. FYI, waaaayyy too many people talk about "chin" as it's the actual chin of a human being. "Chin" is an expression that's been used for decades to gauge one's ability to absorb punishment. I'm just showing a literal interpretation of that.
Arm: Frank Mir. Mir does more with his arm than anyone in MMA. He uses it to throw strikes, he uses it to wrap up opponents in submissions and chokes, and he uses it in the clinch for his newly-fangled Muay-Thai game.
Arm: Rousimar Palhares: Not as diverse as Mir, but Toquinho's arm serves the same purpose. End limbs.
Left Hand: Nick Diaz: Not one-punch power per se, but enough of those "Stockton Slaps" will get my opponent flustered and battered to make way for....
Right Hand: Dan Henderson: THE H-BOMB! I keep waiting for someone to shrug it off. I'm still waiting. Henderson's damned right hand has turned immortals into men many times. If I wagered on any fight to end via KO, Dan Henderson is behind it.
Torso: Anderson Silva. Always in great shape, seldom tired, has movement unlike anyone else in the game. As a moving target, unmatched. Speed, elusiveness, endurance, strength, shiftiness. You can't ask for a better core as the core of my monster.
Groin: Cheick Kongo: Anybody that delivers that many groin strikes must have a secret for defending against retaliatory strikes. You know, Mike, Diamond MMA makes a cup...
Leg: Pat Barry: Chopping down opponents is Pat Barry's speciality. I wish he'd use it more, but Barry's leg kicks are absolutely traumatizing. They've made people quit.
Leg: Marius Zaromskis: I really wanted to have Mirko's leg here, but we all know that's a faded dream. Whitemare had some downtime after running through Dream like shit through a goose, but based on his goddamned cartwheel kick and some action before that, it appears Zaromskis is back.
NOW ATTACK, UNHOLY ABOMINATION!
What would your perfect fighter look like?
(Also, GIANT thanks to Adam Hatchl for the tremendous nightmare fuel picture. Follow the genius on Twtter @Snatchl)
The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.
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Anderson Silva.
"For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication. ." -Friedrich Nietzsche
by Rutager on Dec 17, 2011 7:23 PM EST reply actions 12 recs
this
Mark Hunt's Special Move: Oceanic Heritage! Years ago someone told Polynesian DNA that everyone was surrounded by sea monsters and it believed them. It made humans that were immune to head injuries, fast enough to run on the highway, and big enough to use the carpool lane. Putting two of them in the same ring is like telling your local tectonic plates to fuck themselves.
"I said ‘let me tell you, you’re one punch away from being worth zero’ and I was wrong, he was one triangle choke away from being worth zero." - Dana on Fedor
"Guillard told the commission he used cocaine on March 30 and expected it to be out of his system by the time he stepped into the Octagon"
by Kevin Jennison J. Zametov-St Pierre on Dec 17, 2011 7:31 PM EST up reply actions
He is pretty amazing
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
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K1 Level Predictions Team 2011 BE Cilvil War Champions!
----------------------------
Yes
Writer for Blistered Thumbs
Fabricio Werdum is not my father.
Follow @TheCynicsCorner
by MicahtheCynic on Dec 17, 2011 9:00 PM EST up reply actions
If I could only have two
Penn + Guida
Everybody always argues and says that’s stupid but I think that fighter would be amazing.
Or Jon Jones + Anderson Silva.
"What the ancients called a clever fighter is one who not only wins, but excels in winning with ease."
BJ would love to have Guida's hair and gas tank, in that order.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
----------------------------
K1 Level Predictions Team 2011 BE Cilvil War Champions!
----------------------------
by Snatchl on Dec 17, 2011 8:10 PM EST up reply actions 3 recs
Leben's chin is going to fail him
What about Roy Nelson?
Can’t disagree with too much said, though.
Read my tweets or whatever - @SSReporters
Leonard Garcia's hypno-eyes
The Season 4 BE rec’ing CHAMPION!
The Season 1 Blow the Staff CHAMPION!
The Season 2, 3 and 4 Cat Molesting CHAMPION!
The reigning and defending Transgendered S&M CHAMPION!
And the soon to be Ugly-Ass Ben Saunders Shirt Buying CHAMPION!
Follow me on Twitter @Chris81203
Go back to your planet Honey Badger Polar Bears,
and give me the decision.
"All noble things are as difficult as they are rare."
- Baruch Spinoza
The most classless fan in college football since 1984.
by Avap on Dec 19, 2011 11:18 AM EST up reply actions 1 recs
My anti-perfect fighter
(out of semi-decent fighters…otherwise I’d just pick Scott Blevins
- Head – Rousimar Palhares.. Guy is a killer in the ring, but lets let his manager tell it like it is for us:
Yes, Rousimar is a very simple person. He comes from a very simple background
Needless to say we’ve seen him stop fighting to talk to the ref, and stop fighting to celebrate his win…that he didn’t get, yet.
- Chin – Jonathan Goulet – If Leben’s head is made of granite, then Goulet’s chin is made of paper Mache
- Arm – Shinya Aoki – His butt scoot is more dangerous that any punch he can throw.
- Arm – Vitor Ribeiro – was out boxed by Shinya Aoki…Couldn’t find a gif (your welcome)
- Torso – Roy Nelson – was there any other real option?
- Groin – CroCop – remember when the ‘Reem destroyed one of Mirko’s nuts? During the broadcast they said that Overeem hit Mirko so hard that one of his nuts went back inside of his body
- Leg – Butterbean – Your about as likely to lose to the ’bean in a foot race as you to get hit with a leg kick by this guy.
God, I’m bored. Sorry for slowing down the tread
K-1 Level Predictions Team
by Fedorable on Dec 17, 2011 8:32 PM EST reply actions 12 recs
No need to apologize, that was awesome.
I made most of my life decisions at a Foghat concert... I stand by them.
by Chester J Lampwick on Dec 17, 2011 8:34 PM EST up reply actions
Ask, and ye shall receive...at least the groin of Crocop offers legit flexibility.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
----------------------------
K1 Level Predictions Team 2011 BE Cilvil War Champions!
----------------------------
by Snatchl on Dec 18, 2011 9:36 AM EST up reply actions 6 recs
Leg: corey hill
"UFC is so gay, pride is awesome!"
by Hendo_One-Shot on Dec 18, 2011 3:17 PM EST up reply actions 5 recs
always gets a good wince out of me
"Go get yuu some DONNALD CERRONNEEE" ,greg Jackson (not refering to fans)
by Harley hooper on Dec 18, 2011 5:06 PM EST up reply actions
Corey "Mr. Fantastic" Hill
Irony (n.) -Michael Westbrook as the hero on Bully Beatdown.
by Jim America on Dec 18, 2011 10:16 PM EST up reply actions
Dhalsim!
Anderson Silva, Edson Barboza, Jose Aldo, Charles Oliveira, Thiago Alves = Muay Thai wrecking machines!
by SentientAndroid on Dec 20, 2011 11:36 AM EST up reply actions
Hair of Clay Guida. Chin of Urijah Faber. Teeth of Hendo. Weight-cutting abilities of Paul Daley.
Fuck you, double fingers
- Nick Diaz
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society
- Mark Twain
the future mr. Empress?
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
----------------------------
K1 Level Predictions Team 2011 BE Cilvil War Champions!
----------------------------
<3
Fuck you, double fingers
- Nick Diaz
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society
- Mark Twain
by TheLastEmpress on Dec 18, 2011 10:21 AM EST up reply actions
KJ has nice hair almost Rob Lowe levels of nice hair
these are a few of my favorite things in no order: BHO, WANDY, burritos, chili, HMK glass, USMTA, NYHC, Motorhead, turtles, frogs, rewatching Chael tap to Anderson, and Big Nog KOing Schaub.
by the jewish conquistador on Dec 19, 2011 10:38 AM EST up reply actions
Noons vs Guida. Battle of the hair.
Fuck you, double fingers
- Nick Diaz
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society
- Mark Twain
by TheLastEmpress on Dec 17, 2011 10:04 PM EST up reply actions
I'll take BJ's chin, Jones' elbows, Overeem's knees, and color him black for explosive athleticism
LeBron James - 0 Charles Barkley - 0 Karl Malone/John Stockton - 0 Sun Yue -1
by sun yue on Dec 17, 2011 9:07 PM EST reply actions 3 recs
I would put Lytle’s above anyone else. Between boxing and MMA he has never been finished except by cuts.
The Perfect fighter
Chin: Arlovski
Hands and Strong-as-it-looks Chin: Antonio Silva
Kicks: Butterbean (see above gif)
Flying knee: Brock Lesnar
Wrestling: Dan Hardy
Triangle defense: Chael Sonnen
Weight cutting ability: Paul Daley or Anthony Johnson
Management and skin: Fedor
I see that you're joking here
But why the cutting ability of Rumble in that joke? The man is a superhuman if he makes 170 more often than not. I would say including him in your comment implies fading of Rumble, and we don’t like that around here.
Business as Usual has a STACKED team. I mean, we could win with just me, but you know.
by halitosis on Dec 18, 2011 12:37 AM EST via mobile up reply actions
DON'T BE FADIN RUMBLE
KEMvP
"You know Joe, if Keith Jardines last name was Johnson, the nickname 'The Dean of Mean' wouldn't work at all."
slap yo self
Don't be scared Gomi...
by ThatsHowIRoll on Dec 19, 2011 7:55 PM EST up reply actions 1 recs
Stefan Struve's flying knee is significantly more powerful and athletic than Lesnars
Not afraid to nitpick
Hong Man Choi's body
with Cain’s cardio
Learn JiuJitsu.
Semper Fi'
Look out! Marshawn Lynch is in BEEF MOE! "gimmie dem skittles! Om nom nom!"
Arms
With arms, I’m tempted to go with Jon Jones. That reach is ridiculous, and the speed at which he throws his punches and elbows is crazy. Also, clearly he has some submission prowess with them, seeing as how his arms put Lyoto to sleep. And of course, his greco-roman wrestling is incredible, with great underhooks and whizzers.
"I think you'll see my style of man beast will definitely come through" - Brad Pickett
Frank Mir knows what Muay Thai is?
"I'm ready for fight. If I'm win, no win. I don't know. But, I'm ready for fight. This is my working[shrugs shoulders]" - Anderson Silva
"You'll get Lil Wayne in woman pants and like it!" - Krimson
Brian Stann hits like a fucking mack truck, dude.
Writer for Blistered Thumbs
Fabricio Werdum is not my father.
Follow @TheCynicsCorner
by MicahtheCynic on Dec 18, 2011 7:59 PM EST up reply actions
Have you seen him fight?
He can literally get hit 1000 x’s and not go out.
Even in that GIF, he doesn’t go out… He gets rocked, but is able to regroup.
K-1 Level Predictions Team
by Fedorable on Dec 18, 2011 9:01 PM EST up reply actions 3 recs
leben has a great chin granted
however dan henderson has been in all of those wars and has yet to be KO’d, you gotta go with hendos chin
who did Andy ko Dan or Chris?
these are a few of my favorite things in no order: BHO, WANDY, burritos, chili, HMK glass, USMTA, NYHC, Motorhead, turtles, frogs, rewatching Chael tap to Anderson, and Big Nog KOing Schaub.
by the jewish conquistador on Dec 19, 2011 10:40 AM EST up reply actions
Neither
He got a TKO on Chris but never put him out. And got an RNC on Dan after rocking him.
The Season 4 BE rec’ing CHAMPION!
The Season 1 Blow the Staff CHAMPION!
The Season 2, 3 and 4 Cat Molesting CHAMPION!
The reigning and defending Transgendered S&M CHAMPION!
And the soon to be Ugly-Ass Ben Saunders Shirt Buying CHAMPION!
Follow me on Twitter @Chris81203
What about hips? Seriously.
Like when Fedor slapped on that armbar on Coleman from guard…that shit was smooth.
BOOSH
Best rule-skirting ability: Jon Jones.
BOOSH
by Farthammer on Dec 18, 2011 8:04 PM EST reply actions 1 recs
Best babysitting ability:
Farthammer
KEMvP
"You know Joe, if Keith Jardines last name was Johnson, the nickname 'The Dean of Mean' wouldn't work at all."
by T.C. Engel on Dec 18, 2011 8:10 PM EST reply actions 9 recs
the joke that refuses to die!
lol
"If you say the words "Clint Eastwood" and western in a sentence, my pants are magically around my ankles." - mountaineers101
by Earl Montclair on Dec 18, 2011 8:29 PM EST up reply actions
It will never die.
KEMvP
"You know Joe, if Keith Jardines last name was Johnson, the nickname 'The Dean of Mean' wouldn't work at all."
It's just...the commitment on that guy.
The Internets: Where there are no girls and men become children.
by Unabomberman on Dec 19, 2011 7:06 PM EST up reply actions
Fuck
I started the entire joke by stating how PISSED I was that I had to miss the event. I posted that fanpost so the people going to the event would understand why I missed it…now it forever haunts me.
But for the record: I am a TERRIBLE babysitter. My wife did everything while I drank corked beer and watched the fight on my brother-in-law’s 60-inch HD.
BOOSH
you can't fool me
you missed the fight live
cause you were babysitting
¬_¬
by ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ on Dec 19, 2011 5:00 AM EST up reply actions
No way to spin this. Just accept your shame.
The Internets: Where there are no girls and men become children.
by Unabomberman on Dec 19, 2011 7:06 PM EST up reply actions 3 recs
No no no no no
I accept the shame. I WANT the shame. I just want history to be accurate.
I missed out on being able to see the fights in person, but still saw them live and did not lose any money.
BOOSH
Well...
It’s not like the greatest, sloppiest slugfest in the hsort history of MMA was that big a deal to watch live. So I’ll believe you.
The Internets: Where there are no girls and men become children.
by Unabomberman on Dec 20, 2011 1:58 AM EST up reply actions
*short history*
The Internets: Where there are no girls and men become children.
by Unabomberman on Dec 20, 2011 1:59 AM EST up reply actions
Your fighter is good and all,
But he is no Michael Bisping.
"If you think, you're late. If you're late, you muscle. If you muscle, you get tired. If you tired, you die. When you die is when you tap..."
-Saulo Ribeiro
by sklart on Dec 18, 2011 9:58 PM EST reply actions 3 recs
This is sooooo outdated and unnecessary.
The perfect fighter was already made way back in 1943.
Irony (n.) -Michael Westbrook as the hero on Bully Beatdown.
The silver tongue of Tito Ortiz.
The sportsmanship of Gilbert Yvel.
The courage in the face of adversity of Forrest Griffin.
The ability to come through in the clutch of Kenny Florian.
The chin of Keith Jardine.
The testicles of Joe Son and Chael Sonnen.
I'm all out of bubblegum
by some schmuck in texas on Dec 18, 2011 10:22 PM EST reply actions 2 recs
And in this fighter’s corner you would have:
-Lesnar’s dietician
-BJ Penn’s conditioning coach
-Nate Marquardt’s doctor
-David Loiseau’s motivational coach
"i hate signatures...that, and hypocrisy"
by nannerb on Dec 19, 2011 12:51 PM EST up reply actions 2 recs
and almost needless to say
Manager: Vadim Finklestien.
This is an oule.
by some schmuck in texas on Dec 19, 2011 2:13 PM EST up reply actions
And Jerry Millen as PR guy.
The Internets: Where there are no girls and men become children.
by Unabomberman on Dec 19, 2011 7:07 PM EST up reply actions 1 recs
You take..
Arianny
Chandella
Wicks
and Ines Saintz
….and you have sex with them.
Police have mounted a Phuket-wide hunt
by warren305 on Dec 18, 2011 10:34 PM EST reply actions 7 recs
It's Sainz.
And she’s quite enhancedly pretty. I don’t mind. But she’s a fucking bore.
The Internets: Where there are no girls and men become children.
by Unabomberman on Dec 19, 2011 7:09 PM EST up reply actions
Dude..
I dont care if that chick was my own mother, I’d fuck her with no rubber, and have a kid and a little brother at the same time, and just say that it wasn’t mine.
Police have mounted a Phuket-wide hunt
The Internets: Where there are no girls and men become children.
by Unabomberman on Dec 20, 2011 7:34 PM EST up reply actions
She's an acquired taste to some
I find her sexy, in a bang her 5 times and get tired of her, kind of way
Police have mounted a Phuket-wide hunt
She's an acquired taste to some
I find her sexy, in a bang her 5 times and get tired of her, kind of way
Police have mounted a Phuket-wide hunt
the intelligence (gameplaning etc) of Randy
the head of anderson silva (for movement/timing)
the chin of hendo
the shoulders of Mr Wonderfull
an arm (if that mean jits/striking) of big nog (in his prime) and the other nick diaz
a right elbow from jones (for the bone breaking) and a left elbow from kenflo (just to make a mess)
the left hand hand of shogun and the right hand of JDS
the core of cain velasquez (pure gas tank)
the hips of BJ
the right leg of pat berry, the left leg of crcop in his prime
the knees of overeem (post horsemeat)
the feet (distance/kickspeed) of machida
"I can kick you really hard." - Mauricio "Shogun" Rua
by Scurnt on Dec 19, 2011 1:06 AM EST reply actions 1 recs
WHY HAS NOBODY MENTIONED MARK HUNT'S ASS?
The atomic ass drop he did to Wand was epic why has this giff not been posted? I can not post it cause I dont know how or where to find it. If somebody could post I would be their good friend.
hedo’s chin, right hand.
wand’s knees.
andy’s torso.
jj’s reach
nick diaz cardio and volume in strikes
bj’s ability to not get cut
handy’s fight iq
hunt’s ass, legs
these are a few of my favorite things in no order: BHO, WANDY, burritos, chili, HMK glass, USMTA, NYHC, Motorhead, turtles, frogs, rewatching Chael tap to Anderson, and Big Nog KOing Schaub.
by the jewish conquistador on Dec 19, 2011 10:47 AM EST reply actions
Ask and ye shall receive.
Irony (n.) -Michael Westbrook as the hero on Bully Beatdown.
by Jim America on Dec 19, 2011 12:06 PM EST up reply actions 5 recs
you are my favorite person on the internets right now.
these are a few of my favorite things in no order: BHO, WANDY, burritos, chili, HMK glass, USMTA, NYHC, Motorhead, turtles, frogs, rewatching Chael tap to Anderson, and Big Nog KOing Schaub.
by the jewish conquistador on Dec 19, 2011 1:50 PM EST up reply actions
Part Honey Badger eh?
You don’t need a fighter at all. I’d say your best bet is to have Darron Thomas throw a rocket powered football towards the sun. The Honey Badgers will flawlessly intercept the ball, incinerating themselves in the process.
"All noble things are as difficult as they are rare."
- Baruch Spinoza
The most classless fan in college football since 1984.
The Ultimate Fighter (for entertainment purposes)
Forrest Griffin’s scar tissue: ensures plenty of blood at the sight of the first jab
KJ Noons’ hair: why hasn’t anybody offered him a shampoo commercial yet?
Ben Henderson’s submission defence
Diego Sanchez’s pace
Nick Diaz leg kicks: for comic relief
Frankie Edgar’s heart
Chael Sonnen’s promo skills: "What’s Anderson Silva going to be for Halloween? A duck or a chicken?
…but with Mauricio Rua’s voice
"i hate signatures...that, and hypocrisy"
It's pretty simple really
You combine Anderson Silva, Lyoto Machida, and Jon Jones and you get the perfect weapon….
"i hate signatures...that, and hypocrisy"
by nannerb on Dec 19, 2011 12:54 PM EST reply actions 1 recs
Why choose?
Irony (n.) -Michael Westbrook as the hero on Bully Beatdown.
When you can have them both?
Anderson Silva, Edson Barboza, Jose Aldo, Charles Oliveira, Thiago Alves = Muay Thai wrecking machines!
by SentientAndroid on Dec 20, 2011 11:41 AM EST up reply actions
Now you're thinkin
Irony (n.) -Michael Westbrook as the hero on Bully Beatdown.
I've changed my mind
This is an oule.
by some schmuck in texas on Dec 20, 2011 12:05 PM EST reply actions
Baroni's Glutes
I Bleed Blue and Green
ME...Tweeting Stuff! About my upcoming game...and other random musings.
Your post bears a striking resemblance to this one I posted a few months back…
Just sayin’.
"There's a huge difference. Politics is a dirty game. We have our rules in boxing. In politics, no rules. Especially a young democracy like Ukraine. It's more like MMA." -- Vitali Klitschko
Are you calling BV a swaggerjacker?
The Season 4 BE rec’ing CHAMPION!
The Season 1 Blow the Staff CHAMPION!
The Season 2, 3 and 4 Cat Molesting CHAMPION!
The reigning and defending Transgendered S&M CHAMPION!
And the soon to be Ugly-Ass Ben Saunders Shirt Buying CHAMPION!
Follow me on Twitter @Chris81203
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