I am Such a Lazy Douche (ALWAYS Answer Your Phone)

Sweet fucking JESUS. 

Okay, this morning I am awoken by a periodic metallic THUD against my bedroom wall. Apparently there is renovations taking place next apartment over. 9:30am start times are essential for such things from what I understand.

"Calm down man. Snapping is no way to start the day, we've been over this," Jekyll says to Hyde. My blood pressure begins to slowly recede.


"SHAT THEFACKAAAAAP!" Screams Hyde as he pounds mercilessly on his own bedroom wall. So much for that.

Rather than indulge Mr. Hyde in going next door to commit aggravated assault, I phone my rental office and inform them that they should get the genius noise maker to shut 'er down, and that they really don't want me to go over there.

Amazingly, they agree and promise to get it to stop. Blissful silence ensues.

Then my phone rings, and it's the ringtone that both WORK and UNAVAILABLE share. Since NEW GUY is there by himself, I am obliged to answer. FUCK.

After some pointless nonsense about a goddamn sale that should be done already why am I getting a fucking call at 9:30 in the morning, I slowly get my heart to stop slamming in my chest. Ahhhhhh....

The phone rings again. WORK or UNAVAILABLE, again. I hit ignore without looking, and try to get another half hour of sleep for my lazy, stupid, ignorant dumshit self. If you are picturing Chris Farley slapping his own head saying "STUPID! SO STUPID!" you are right on the money.

When I finally do get out of bed and check my phone, I see it was an UNAVAILABLE, not WORK, after all. And it is in fact HotWife's temporary Brazil Number, as she is back home in Curatiba visiting her family for 2 weeks. Her visit was essential as one of her nieces has gone unbaptized since birth and apparently has no soul and will be stuck in limbo if she dies. For reals.

Anyhoo, she was calling because she was chilling at UDL (Universidade De Luta), because Mauricio "Shogun" Rua and Demian Maeia were conducting an open work out, signing, and all around chill session.

And Hotwife, being who she is, got Shogun and Demian to Call Me to bust my balls and invite me to train at UDL.

Which I ignored, because I am too busy being a FAT, LAZY, WEAK ASS BITCH DOUCHETARD.

Please, feel free to leave me any painful or humiliating story to make me feel better. I would appreciate it.

\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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