Desperate to find answer, UFC WW Jon Fitch undergoes radical procedure before UFC 117 fight
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 7:36 AM EDT
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Thanks to a new miracle surgery, the hope that Jon Fitch can one day dominate the welterweight division has now become a reality.
The plucky, 32-year-old Fort Wayne UFC fighter recently became the first person ever to go through a radical new procedure allowing him to bypass genetic deficiencies and turn his body into an athletic specimen just in time for his UFC 117 fight with top 170 lb. fighter Thiago Alves.
Fitch underwent the Natural Enhancement of Genetic Responsive Output (N.E.G.R.O.) Procedure early Monday morning at the Huey P. Newton Memorial Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland.
For Fitch, it was a necessary course of action in order to get to the next level of Mixed Martial Arts.
"I found myself always on the slower end of things," Fitch said. "I can't jump too high, can't run too fast, and with this new breed of welterweights like Doomsday [John Howard] and Daniel Roberts, I found myself at a severe disadvantage."
A disadvantage brought to light in his fight with UFC Welterweight Champion Georges St. Pierre where he was severely and thoroughly dominated.
"Even though Georges is White, he's still very athletic," Fitch offered. "I mean he listens to rap and loves to dance."
After that, it was "do or die" time for Fitch.
"I'm lucky that I've been able to avoid the athletic disadvantage until now," Fitch said. "But now I've got to step it up if I want to get back to a title shot."
The Procedure
The brain behind the N.E.G.R.O. Procedure is none other than Dr. Jonas Goldberg, brother of UFC commentator Mike Goldberg.
"I'm not happy with my brother's line of work," said Dr. Goldberg. "He could've been a doctor or a lawyer. What was wrong with business school? He's not too good for an MBA."
Contempt with his sibling's chosen profession aside, Dr. Goldberg was more than thrilled when he was told about Fitch's plight.
"Fitch was a prime candidate," Dr. Goldberg recalls. "Here he was getting by on pure technical skills, yet falling short due to a lack of athleticism."
The N.E.G.R.O. procedure infuses the DNA of the inferior athlete with that of an exponentially more athletic person. Goldberg traveled to far locales to obtain the optimum DNA.
"I decided to focus my search on the country of Africa," Goldberg stated."It was an obvious choice."
Once the premium DNA was found, it was replicated and stored in a warehouse cooler. After a candidate is selected, he undergoes a slew of rigorous tests to determine his athletic level so as not to overdose. The patient is put into a DNA transcombinator to fuse the new, more athletic DNA with his own DNA. This outpatient procedure takes less than 2 minutes as long as you're quiet while he's pouring.
The Aftermath
"I feel good," said Fitch. "I'm able to see the results right away. I can run faster and jump higher; I'm more explosive. It's great."
In regards to any side effects from the procedure, Fitch says he hasn't "noticed anything negative", though he does admit, he gets stopped by law enforcement more often and he's watched more inside of stores while he shops. Besides the physical benefits, Fitch admits to some auxiliary gains. He's able to "dance better" and "clap on beat to songs".
While many of his MMA counterparts shill for Xyience or 5 Minute Energy, Fitch is the fight fighter - and only major athlete - to endorse the powdered mix drink Kool-Aid.
"Something about that drink...it does things for me," Fitch said. When pressed for his favorite flavor, Fitch simply exclaimed "Red".
Fitch has a tough test coming up with Thiago Alves, a fighter whom he has beaten in the past. Fitch chose this time to undergo the N.E.G.R.O. procedure because Alves is "a Brazilian guy" making him "sort of part athletic, right?"
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“I found myself always on the slower end of things,” Fitch said. “I can’t jump too high, can’t run too fast, and with this new breed of welterweights like Doomsday [John Howard] and Gerald Harris, I found myself at a severe disadvantage”
Gerald Harris is a Middleweight
"Ten more seconds is all I ever ask. That's the good thing I learned about being KO'd twice. You don't see it coming -it's like death- you don't plan for it so don't wait for it. So many people are afraid of getting Ko'd that their hands stay home, but not me. I got to go out there and shoot the lights out and fall down" Jens Pulver
You're certainly right. I meant Daniel Roberts.
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 7:50 AM EDT up reply actions
I take that back
I wrote this a while ago and forgot the joke. It was supposed to be mixing up Welterweights. Now I’ve explained it.
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 7:56 AM EDT up reply actions
Black people are like this. White dudes are like that. Jews are this way. Asians are that way.
I love your analysis, but the stereotype humor is lacking.
I wasn't trying to be overt.
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 10:31 AM EDT up reply actions
can't please everyone
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 10:31 AM EDT up reply actions
I thought it was really funny...
the stereotype humor wasn’t lacking :)
Personally I think you are funnier than Forrest Griffin at least
"It's easy to grin when ship comes in, and you've got the stock market beat....But the man wortwhile is the man who can smile when his pants are too tight in the seat.." - Judge Smails
pump ya brakes kid
that man is a national treasure
"Your not gonna jab and shoulder roll your way away from Brock Lesnar; He is gonna fuck you." - Joe 'High as Fuck' Rogan
by KingAtRock on Jul 29, 2010 12:51 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
A couple of gems in there. The country of Africa lol.
My real question is, why’d you feel the need to add a disclaimer?
Ricky Hatton came closer to beating Manny Pacquiao than Marquez did to beating Floyd.
-SC
by The Lethal Haze on Jul 29, 2010 12:44 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
Some people are really stupid
I mean REALLY stupid.
I also recall a case of a guy on here that was approached by WAMMA’s lawyers for righting an article that was “parody” (though it was kind of hard to tell) and it said it was a parody.
Just covering my ass. .
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 2:09 PM EDT up reply actions
That article was awesome.
It did state it was satire and ran through a hypothetical where Pat Miletich and the rest of WAMMA boot Josh Barnett from the rankings before the Fedor fight. See, Pat had said something impossibly stupid, essentially stating that BJ Penn shouldn’t be #1 at LW because he hadn’t fought a top ten opponent at LW in a year (this was right around the GSP fight) – so mattman writes a satire piece where he says “shit, Barnett hasn’t fought a top ten opponent since 2006, so WTF”
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are in a confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift
Contributor for WatchKalibRun.com
Still Subo at Fightlinker.com
by Derek Suboticki on Jul 29, 2010 2:15 PM EDT up reply actions
Was that machine patented
by Dr. Steven Q. Urkel?
"I trained with Steven Seagal."
by B.H. Farnsworth on Jul 29, 2010 1:12 PM EDT reply actions
Perhaps
You know they always stealing the Black man’s idea and calling it their own.
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 2:09 PM EDT up reply actions
You mean StePHAN UrQUEL?
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are in a confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift
Contributor for WatchKalibRun.com
Still Subo at Fightlinker.com
by Derek Suboticki on Jul 29, 2010 2:16 PM EDT up reply actions
It may have been him,
The man is smooth….
"I trained with Steven Seagal."
by B.H. Farnsworth on Jul 29, 2010 2:20 PM EDT up reply actions
Why is this funny? Most of the dominant welterweights are not black. Most UFC champs aren’t either. What am I missing?
I want Kim Winslow or Tan Dan to ref Tito Ortiz' next loss.
by MMAInFeRioRiTy on Jul 29, 2010 2:32 PM EDT reply actions
That his lack of athleticism was a big factor is losing to the more athletic GSP
That’s a starter
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 2:35 PM EDT up reply actions
Being black doesn’t equal athleticism. I guess, if you’re black, it’s cool to post stuff like this. Let’s see a white guy post something about infusing white DNA into a black guy to make him better at _______. Let’s see how well that goes over.
I want Kim Winslow or Tan Dan to ref Tito Ortiz' next loss.
by MMAInFeRioRiTy on Jul 29, 2010 2:41 PM EDT up reply actions
Chill dude.
It’s a silly fan post…..white people still rule the world ;)
When Josh Barnett pisses in a cup, magic comes out.
"what the f**k is the internet?"
Pain don't hurt...
(turns on MSNBC)
Who’s this guy claiming to be President?
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are in a confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift
Contributor for WatchKalibRun.com
Still Subo at Fightlinker.com
by Derek Suboticki on Jul 29, 2010 3:09 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
some dark skinned white guy
;)
When Josh Barnett pisses in a cup, magic comes out.
"what the f**k is the internet?"
Pain don't hurt...
Holy shit that's freaky
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 3:48 PM EDT up reply actions
tell me about it
"I am going to burn your fucking house down, but you will blow me first"
by Barack Lesnar on Jul 29, 2010 9:06 PM EDT up reply actions
Do not want.
When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are in a confederacy against him. - Jonathan Swift
Contributor for WatchKalibRun.com
Still Subo at Fightlinker.com
by Derek Suboticki on Jul 29, 2010 6:26 PM EDT up reply actions
That’s like the opposite of President Black Bush.
by ufc4 on Jul 29, 2010 8:30 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions
Dennis Kucinich?
Is that you?
I consider myself a softcore fan.
I would've thought when you read the doctor's name was Goldberg and he was related to Mike Goldberg
You would get that the whole article is based on Mike Goldberg calling every Black fighter “athletic”.
Wow.
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 3:48 PM EDT up reply actions
Little too much race talk on BE today, I think it’s got people a little edgy. Funny ass article none the less.
My question is, is this article Snowden aproved?
by PetrozellisJab on Jul 29, 2010 4:23 PM EDT up reply actions
I shall rec you for this one
the clapping on beat thing, I can’t tell you how giddy that line makes me.
2010 Summer of Side Boob.
Not really funny at all, better luck next time.
by DirtyML on Jul 29, 2010 4:47 PM EDT reply actions 7 recs
and doubly disappointed it has gotten so many recs
i come here for some pretty intelligent analysis of MMA – always disappointed by the racist and sexist posts and comments.
I “get it”, I understand what he was trying to write. I just didn’t think it was funny at all.
Stereotypes that are racial or gender based just aren’t funny to me – not after all the crap we’ve been through.
by Django Z on Jul 30, 2010 6:09 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
awwwwww, so sorry you feel that way
“We’ve been through” What have you been through? Cause I’ve been through some shit too which is why I don’t have a stick up my ass about a lil stereotype humor.
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 30, 2010 8:17 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
You have every right to make posts like this, and I can’t condemn you for it.
But just as white folks can never understand what it’s like to be black, you (assuming you’re black) can’t understand what it’s like to be a middle-class white with largely subconscious racist tendencies. A piece like this makes us feel better about ourselves… about the occasional racist joke or stereotype. We view it as a license to keep up the status quo. After all, “If he can say it, why can’t I? That’s equality.” These are the same people who repeatedly spout ignorant shit like, “I’m going to start a whites only college fund. If they can have a Negro College Fund there’s no reason I can’t start one for whites.”
The problem is that, while some of us have come to grips with the racism that’s bred into us from childhood, others have not. Those people believe that the playing field has been completely leveled and are incredulous that many inner city youths believe they can never succeed. Those thoughts often morph into a thinly veiled belief that blacks are somehow inferior. “My daddy was born poor and look what he’s accomplished.”
I’m no liberal—far from it—but I keep my eyes and heart open. Again, I don’t necessarily have a problem with your post (to each his own), but I hope you understand how this kind of post affects SOME whites. I’m not talking about anyone on this site, just in general.
Man...I did not know the plight of the Cushy Republican Affluent Collegiate Knowledge Acquired Student (hahaha)
was so bad.
Is there a fund I can donate to? A trust fund.
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 31, 2010 7:07 AM EDT up reply actions
Man, the guy gives a well thought out retort and you respond with a snippy and venomous jab?
by dreamers_12345 on Jul 31, 2010 9:45 PM EDT up reply actions
Man you really didn't understand his post did you?
Admit it, it’s ok.
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 31, 2010 11:16 PM EDT up reply actions
lol I understood it. It’s a light-hearted play on racial stereotypes. This particular area of the comments though just got a little deeper than that and it just seemed a little spited to respond the way you did to a guy who was trying to express his honest opinion is all.
by dreamers_12345 on Aug 1, 2010 3:01 PM EDT up reply actions
He was being sarcastic
I thought the first three sentences gave it away.
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Aug 2, 2010 12:16 AM EDT up reply actions
yeah, i recognized that as the machine that changed Urkel to Stephon Urrkellll.
Gatti. Dekkers. Pele. Aoki. Kang. Vanderlei. Basillio. Harry Greb.
by theworldsoldestsport on Jul 29, 2010 5:45 PM EDT reply actions
“Something about that drink…it does things for me,” Fitch said. When pressed for his favorite flavor, Fitch simply exclaimed “Red”.
or Turquaz.
I'm just a 16 year old kid who loves MMA.
If you're Black and you say anything other than "Red", I question you
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 8:50 PM EDT up reply actions
So when I was like 15 I worked at McDonald’s and swear to god 80% of the black people who came through the drive-thru ordered Hi-C orange as their drink.
by ufc4 on Jul 29, 2010 9:15 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Did you offer red Koolaid?
Yeah, Hi-C is a big drink. Or “scrawberry soda”. Or Ice-T.
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 29, 2010 9:26 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Everybody knows
red kool aid takes a back seat to orange or strawberry soda.
You ever notice Popeye’s is one of the only places that sells scrawberry soda?
And yes, I order Hi-c by default.
"I trained with Steven Seagal."
by B.H. Farnsworth on Jul 30, 2010 3:58 PM EDT up reply actions
Jack in the Box also sells Scrawberry soda
And Koolaid only takes a backseat because they don’t make it super saturated with sugar how we like.
MMMMMMM-MMMM DIABETES
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 30, 2010 4:04 PM EDT up reply actions
It never fails to amaze me
how many different people claim to have a special recipe for red kool aid.
"I trained with Steven Seagal."
by B.H. Farnsworth on Jul 30, 2010 4:35 PM EDT up reply actions
Is this guy a contestant?
"I trained with Steven Seagal."
by B.H. Farnsworth on Jul 30, 2010 4:02 PM EDT up reply actions
HANGIN ON A JOLLY
Chappelle: Hmm, could you repeat that please sir?
White Guy: It sounds like ‘Hanging on a jolly’
Chappelle: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect.
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 30, 2010 4:06 PM EDT up reply actions
I liked Chappelle
But even he stopped doing this stuff after a while and really questioned whether the show was a good thing to be putting out there into the world.
And he was one talented mofo too.
Chapelle really wasn’t consistently funny. He was occasionally very funny but a lot of his skits were really dumb and immature.
Goldberg on Leben: One thing's for sure--he really did break that door on the Ultimate Fighter.
Rogan: uh...yeah.
Nah, you just didn't get it all
He was always funny, some moreso than others
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 30, 2010 8:18 PM EDT up reply actions
Especially if I say he's funny. LOL
Called it before the fight:
Cardio - The BIG question. Does Shane Carwin have cardio? He's never gone past the first round. His muscle mass is astounding and we all know that with all that muscle comes a need for the heart to pump fresh oxygenated blood to keep them from building lactic acid. He does train up in the thin air of Colorado, so that can't do anything but help. However, we have seen him pretty winded after a 1st round fight. Adrenaline dump or cardio problems? We won't find out the answer to that until someone takes him out of the first round.
by S.C. Michaelson on Jul 31, 2010 7:07 AM EDT up reply actions
Hahahahah
“Something about that drink…it does things for me,” Fitch said. When pressed for his favorite flavor, Fitch simply exclaimed “Red”.
is the best part for sure.
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