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JAMES TONEY TO FIGHT MMA; MICHAEL JORDAN CONSIDERS CURLING

"To be 100 percent honest with you, all [expletive] aside, I haven’t thought it out. He said he wanted to fight in the UFC and I was interested. Now he’s here and I have to figure out what to do with him." - UFC President Dana White, who signed former boxing champ James Toney to a four-fight deal.  (Yahoo)

"What we won’t do is make a freak show out of it. I’d be the first to scream if someone else did that, so I’m not going to do it." - White, promoter of such non-spectacles as Ortiz-Shamrock III and Hughes-Gracie.

"He’s the first one that is willing to step up and put his money where is mouth is though, and I’d love to welcome him into MMA." - Former UFC champ Randy Couture, apparently unaware of Ray Mercer and Ricardo Mayorga. (wicombatsports.com)

"Let me tell you something, I came to the UFC to do one thing and that's to fight the best out there. If it's Couture, so be it." - Toney (Fight Hype)

"We have been working on stretching, sprawling and movement, all the things he will need to get a handle on." - Juanito Ibarra, Toney's announced MMA trainer.  Must...resist...embezzlement joke... (Sherdog)

"I'm a very strong man. I know what I have to do and if they shoot in on me, they getting launched into outer space like a satellite." - Toney.  I'm setting the odds on Toney stuffing his opponent's first takedown at +500.

"He said they were talking to him about a fight with Herschel Walker. James said to me, ‘Do you know what I’d do to that [expletive]?’" - White, on Toney's negotiations with Strikeforce.  Would he be fighting the 22 year old Heisman winner or the 45 year old retired athlete?

...AND FOR SOME REASON MOST PEOPLE COMMENTED ON CHUCK'S GUT AND NOT THE NAKED ELLIPTICAL RIDING WOMAN

"I was staying at a buddy’s house and we thought it would be funny to go work out. I don’t know why the [expletive] they would do that." - Former UFC champ Chuck Liddell on a video that definitely was not a viral ad for unsightly Reebok boots. (Yahoo)

"It was at Brad’s house, Brad Penny. We were just staying at his house. He has a private gym. You walk past his pool and there’s a private gym. We go into the sauna all the time and there’s a hot tub right there." - Liddell.  Penny must have been glowing to hear his friend's sweaty nut sack was all over his bench.

"It’s not a big deal. We’ve never had a problem. I’m more worried about Heidi. Well, she’s cool about it and isn’t getting too upset." - Liddell.  I'm worried about Chad Ochocinco.  What's this country coming to when a man can't run free and nude like Sam from True Blood without getting caught on tape?

PRO WRESTLING STORYLINES IN MMA: CANSECO BREAKS UP CESAR GRACIE JIU JITSU

"Why wouldn’t we train the guy? Because he wrote a book about baseball and steroids? He’s just like anybody else walking in off the street." - Cesar Gracie.  Jose Canseco: Because everyone else on the street hit 40/40 in 1988, appeared on the Surreal Life, and wrote a tell-all book about steroids in baseball. (MMA Weekly)

"I don’t want to help a guy out who has constantly screwed everyone over who has been close to him." - Strikeforce middleweight champ Jake Shields.  There is that... (MMA Weekly)

"I like Hershel Walker and I’d like to see Hershel kick his (expletive), but if he was fighting under my team that would make me feel a little weird, so I don’t know how I feel about that." - Shields.  You're really unsure of how you feel about it?

"I’ve read some of this stuff too, and I’ve talked to people and they’re like, ‘it’s a farce,’ and ‘it’s a spectacle,’ as if two people fighting in a cage for money isn’t a spectacle, but whatever." - Gracie

WHO LIKES SHORT SHORTS?

"We've researched the matter and determined that if he wears spandex it needs to stop above the knee." - Jeffrey Mullen, Tennessee Athletic Commission Director and host of What Not to Wear, on Shinya Aoki's grappling pants. (MMA Fighting)

"I will be fighting in a cage (for the first time) but I watch a lot of fights that take place in the cage and my level of geekery in the realm is peerless among Japanese fighters." - Aoki, I hope something's lost in translation here. (Dream Youtube)

"Yes, I will have to take off my tights. I think the prospect of being able to see my bare legs is attractive, so I want the fans to come all the way to the US for it." - Aoki.  That and you crying and bloodied up against the cage.

FILHO TALKING TO JESUS CONFIRMED

"Only God knows how much of a battle it is to overcome addiction and I’m doing it." - Paulo Filho.  God and, you know, recovering addicts. (Gracie Mag)

"It’s like what Tyson has on his face. The tattoo looks good, I’m the one who doesn’t!" - Filho, on his new face tattoo. 

"There are a number of events around the world wanting me to fight for them." - Filho, like the Bitetti Fight promot...oh wait.

PARTING SHOTS

"If there is a key ingredient, and Pat Miletich was teaching it, then that key ingredient would still be there. Correct?" - Jens Pulver, on Pat Miletich's secret sauce.  It certainly didn't rub off on your five fight losing streak, amirite? (UGO.com)

"But this year, I've been promised by Golden Glory that he's going to fight three or four times for us here before the end of the year, and we're going to hold him to it." - Strikeforce head Scott Coker.  Overeem's fighting in K-1 in April.  Just saying. (MMA Junkie)

"I laughed. I think he needs to chill out a bit. I think more than anything it is Davis getting to Davis now." - Dan Hardy, on Marcus Davis going nuts and making AIDS jokes on Twitter in response to Hardy's egging. (Fighters Only)

"Koscheck says I have beaten nobodies but my latest win was over his supposed friend and teammate in Swick. How loyal." - Hardy, boom. (This Is Nottingham)

"They are just medals. Fedor is above these things." - Vadim Finkelstein, on title belts.  (Sports.ru)