FanPost

I'm sorry... Brockle Snar.

 

 

I drank Coor's Light from a Halloween goblet covered in skulls. I bought a whole rotisserie chicken for UFC 121 and tore away at the meat with my hands for sustenance. I grew a mighty flesh-colored beard of destruction. I used "deathclutch" as both a verb and noun in most conversations for the last month. I tried to live each day of Brocktober as if it was to be my last.

Yet, sadly, through a butterfly effect I've yet to mentally grasp... I'm fairly certain I am the cause of Brock Lesnar's loss. There's a lot of hoity-toity analysis on this fight by bloggers with fancy smartypants junior college degrees... but I am the man that looked up battle axes and broad swords online and failed to make a proper Viking purchase of doom. I also went to the zoo and merely mocked the bears... mostly with clever wordplay and some sight gags. I did not rip out their hearts and hungrily devour their entrails as were my original intentions. This defeat is assuredly my doing.

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Things that haven't been mentioned by the commentators but will be discussed at length in the ensuing days:

1. Butterfly Effect: Brock Lesnar wouldn't have gassed and would probably be punching smalls towns into oblivion right now if I had not gone out to talk on the phone during the second reshowing of the Countdown show... I did come back in for Matt Hamill though. Neither here nor there... but he speaks hilariously!... Wherever he's from, that's a town that needs its own Fargo.

- Brock Lesnar would have avoided all of Cain's punches Matrix-style... if I hadn't laughed at the name "Cnut The Great" while doing vast, all encompassing, 15 minute wikipedia research on Vikings

- Brock Lesnar's attacks would have all landed true (read: megatons of atomic destruction... possibly causing a rift in the space/time continuum) if I wouldn't have started singing "Rollin'" when The Undertaker appeared on the screen... to the amusement of none.

2. We're Not So Different... You And I..: Former champion with a polarizing personality marked by a hearty mix of arrogance and confidence. A man buoyed by a limited skillset that equates to an elite advantage over most heavyweight competition... yet will probably never be completely well-rounded and whole. A person who possesses occasionally effective stand-up... yet wilts like a flower passed by a cartoon skunk when directly attacked.

Brock Lesnar meet Frank Mir. You have much to discuss. 

Quit eating my goddamn strawberries... for the third time.

3. AOL: Remember the 90's? Remember AOL 2.0, 3.0, 4.0, etc.? Remember getting all of those discs in the mail? Wasn't that crazy?! Is there some way Hot Topic can make a shirt about this???

I say that to say this. Brock Lesnar may just be Bob Sapp 2.0.

Sure, Brock Lesnar is a more elegant system. Upgraded in all ways. A legit top 5 heavyweight and a top 3 in animated emoticons... but yeah. They kind of parallel in a historic context in a lot more ways than I'd like to admit... without crying... and cutting myself... just to feel.

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In closing, tomorrow, I will hold a Viking funeral. Brock Lesnar will get his proper send-off into the great beyond. A vast body of water (blow-up pool) will be crossed by his longship (empty box of wine) consumed by a raging fire (lighter fluid and thrown matches) burning his warrior remains (Jakks UFC figure). Feel free to stop by for a consoling time of celebration in defeat... defeat I probably caused.

I'll be the guy screaming to the heavens with three day old chicken in my beard. I won't be hard to find.

\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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