I HAVE AN AFFLICTION, AND THE ONLY CURE IS MORE STEROIDS

"I’ve always said we’d do one fight at a time, and I always said we’d do three fights." - Affliction Vice President Tom Atencio, speaking too soon. (MMA Junkie)

"I took my test three weeks ago. I would have thought I would have heard something by now. No matter what happens with this, I can assure you I will clear my name. This will not be something that I am defined by." - Josh Barnett, reacting to his positive test for Drostanolone and subsequent denial of license.  He will be defined by this. (Cage Potato)

"I never once thought there would be a problem." - Barnett, more forgetful of his cycle than Cris "Cyborg" Santos. (Barnett's Myspace)

"We are excited about the return of Affliction to the UFC and look forward to seeing our fighters once again walk into the Octagon wearing the Affliction brands." - UFC President Dana White, on the "collaboration" with Affliction Clothing and Entertainment.  Not only do we miss out on Fedor Emelianenko fighting, but those goddamn skulls are back. (MMA Payout)

"Our brand is synonymous with the ‘Live Fast’ approach to life and UFC is the perfect venue for us to market our brand." - Affliction co-founder Eric Foss.  I'm shocked (SHOCKED!) to find out that bleeding money promoting fights isn't a viable business strategy.

VOLUNTEER HUMAN SACRIFICE

"I feel disappointed about this situation, but I will fight anyone who Affliction puts in front of me." - WAMMA heavyweight champ Fedor Emelianenko. (M-1 Global)

"My phone works if he wants a real fight with someone who’ll sell a fight in four days, somebody who will beat that bald-headed commie too." - UFC 8 and Ultimate Ultimate '96 champ Don Frye, throwing his hat in the Fedor ring. (MMA Weekly)

"[Fedor] ain’t seen anything I have to offer. He built his whole reputation as a waffle house chef. They’ve been serving him up ham and eggs with a side of canned tomatoes." - Frye.  Fedor's vulnerable to the grab-behind-the-head-and-start-swinging strategy.

"I’m the guy to beat Fedor. He’s the guy I’m destined to fight." - Jeff Monson, finding time in between cell phone destruction and petty vandalism. (Five Ounces of Pain)

"It's a no-lose situation [for us]. Fedor has everything to lose." - Shawn Tompkins, speaking on behalf of Vitor Belfort.

"Whether Fedor believes it or not, he doesn't deal well with speed and he doesn't deal well with getting hit." - Tompkins

"I have always found it harder to fight the lighter, faster guys, rather than the really big, plodding heavy and super heavyweights." - Emelianenko, believes it. (Sherdog)

YELLOW BELLIED COWARDS (SEE ALSO: GENIUSES)

"I can't fight Fedor on 10 days notice." - Former UFC light heavyweight champ Tito Ortiz, figuring out the English language. (Fox Fight Game via Bloody Elbow)

"That fight is next week. To just jump in there probably wouldn’t be the smartest thing for me right now." - Bobby Lashley, understanding his own limitations. (Sherdog)

"I don’t want to get into fighting for the money so much right now." - Lashley

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...

"This win was a defeat of martial skills." - Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic, on Brock Lesnar's victory over Frank Mir at UFC 100.  It's safe to say he's not a fan. (Index.hr)

"I was even called a liar, and I read supposed statement by Dana White that I called him 600 times. Exact number of my calls was - zero. I texted him once and that's all." - Filipovic (Nokaut.com)

"I wouldn't call anyone 600 times, even if my life depends on that. I don't want to be presented in such a degrading way." - Filipvoic. 

WHITE NOISE

"My job is to put on the best fighters and to give you, the fans, the fights you want to see. I’ve been trying to get Fedor in the UFC." - UFC President Dana White.  Do you want to be a fucking promoter? (ESPN 1100)

"Tito and I have been talking, and we’ve been trying to see if we can figure things out,. It’s a possibility." - White.  So glad that whole, "Tito's never fighting while I'm here," schtick held up. (MMA Mania)

"When you say Fedor beat all the big names, that was back in PRIDE. You're talking what, four years ago? So wait a minute, maybe Muhammad Ali is the best pound for pound best fighter in the world." - White, touche? (Cage Writer)

"You guys hear me all the time talking about how horrible our heavyweight division was. Our heavyweight division was weak. I said it then too." - White.  Can anyone verify that he made harsh remarks about his own product at the time?  Because I'm not buying it.

"The guy's a loser." - White, on Tom Atencio.  Game, set, match, Zuffa.

PARTING SHOTS

"I left a cup of lion's blood and some cobra venom for him at the mound to throw a no-hitter." - WEC bantamweight champ Miguel Torres, who threw out the first pitch before Mark Buehrle's perfect game.  Torres left before the game's completion.  Blasphemy. (WEC.tv)

"And, anyway, I didn't feel a thing so it made no difference to me." - Michael Bisping, not too upset about Dan Henderson's extracurriculars. (Fighters Only)

"It doesn’t have to be a top-level fighter. Even a mid-level fighter would do, like Joe Stevenson. I actually wanted him to lose, so he’d be cut and he could come to Dream and I could fight him. " - Shinya Aoki, trying not to cry. (Sherdog)

"He said Cro Cop will never fight in the UFC, and now he’s going to come back and fight in the UFC. He said that just a couple weeks ago." - Strikeforce light heavyweight champ Renato Sobral.  (MMA Fanhouse)

"Well, what can I say? It’s ridiculous. Because (of) one idiot, we all have to pay for that. Fuck it." - Future SUPER HULK Gegard Mousasi.