Cracked.com's Top-8 Oh Shit Moments in MMA

by Rundownloser on May 7, 2009 11:38 AM EDT Comment 33 comments

Here's part of the entry for Emelianenko/Randleman:

Fedor Emelianenko is a merciless knockout machine that emerged from the ruins of war torn Stalingrad to avenge the angry dead. Kevin Randleman is a wrestler whose body was kidnapped by science and mostly replaced with horse DNA. After an early takedown by Randleman, Fedor scrambled to his feet and gave Randleman his back. It is stupidly inadequate to say that what followed next was the greatest suplex in the suplexiverse.

Randleman brought Fedor up in a perfect arc, jumped off his feet, and trebuchet’ed the weight of both of them directly on the point of Fedor’s head. It was like he was trying to make dinosaurs extinct again. When wheelchair salesmen watch it, their eyeballs turn to dollar signs.

But instead of bravely learning to walk again years later, Fedor swept him, got side control, punched him in the head 18 times, jumped to north-south, and locked in a kimura. All in the span of 45 seconds. For baseball fans, this is like getting your eye knocked out by a fastball, then hitting 16 home runs with one swing.

Other entries include Joe Son/Hackney, Frye/Takayama, Eastman/Belfort. How could this article get any better, you ask? For each of the entries, there is a link to the respective fight on Youtube. That's called journalism, people.

Image via www.mediabistro.com

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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“For baseball fans, this is like getting your eye knocked out by a fastball, then hitting 16 home runs with one swing.”

That is the funniest shit I’ve read in a long time.

by AnonymousA on May 7, 2009 11:51 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

“He [Bob Sapp] was the Japanese equivalent of the ‘85 Bears, Crocodile Dundee, Muhammad Ali, and the California Raisins all in one.”

Dude…what the fuck. Best article EVAR. Fightlinker wishes they were this clever.

by AnonymousA on May 7, 2009 11:55 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Too effin’ funny!! Rec’d!

I'm the kind of girl who loves to watch a GOOD fight!
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by funnytiger on May 7, 2009 12:23 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Hilarious

“After the fight went to the ground, Keith Hackney passed to side mount. Or as it was known back then, hey-get-up-and-do-karate-you-queers position. Joe Son confusedly held onto a kind-of guillotine headlock which left Keith’s right arm free to do whatever it wanted. And it wanted to pound balls.”

by Farthammer on May 7, 2009 12:43 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I'm sorry

I have to comment again on how absolutely ridiculously funny that article is. Excellent find.

I'm the kind of girl who loves to watch a GOOD fight!
--------
Join the DC Area UFC Meetup Group
http://www.meetup.com/DCUFCGroup

by funnytiger on May 7, 2009 12:48 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

The funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.
Thanks for posting this.

by Viriato on May 7, 2009 1:03 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

It's written by Seanbaby.

Of course it’s hilarious. If you guys aren’t familiar with him, get familiar. He has been owning the interwebs with hilarity for over a decade.

by VegasBatman on May 7, 2009 1:17 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I heart Swaim personally

by TheConcreteKid on May 7, 2009 1:50 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Both of those guys are hilarious. I make sure to never miss anything they post.

"I see him beating Anderson Silva. I see him picking him apart. Him at a 131 years old...(trails off)." - Tito on Belfort at Affliction:DOR

by Rundownloser on May 7, 2009 4:34 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Nogueria is legally unkillable, so he shrugged it off

Fedor Emelianenko is a merciless knockout machine that emerged from the ruins of war torn Stalingrad to avenge the angry dead. Kevin Randleman is a wrestler whose body was kidnapped by science and mostly replaced with horse DNA.

But in UFC 4, Keith Hackney’s fists painted a no-rules masterpiece on the canvas of Joe Son’s balls.

The end result is a lot like getting knocked out, only you’re awake for it. Your arms and legs stop working and you see an Indian with an extra horse beckoning you into the woods.

He threw an overhand right into Sell’s face that removed a year of elementary school from his brain.

by TheConcreteKid on May 7, 2009 1:48 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

These days, Frank Mir might have a slight disagreement about Nog being legally unkillable… but that piledriver sure looked brutal.

Speaking about brutal – this was actually the first time ever I saw the Randleplex. Sweet mother of potatoes, that move – and especially what happened after it – proves Fedor is not human. A human neck should have – would have – splintered into half a million plus one tiny pieces.

To top it off, Smith-Sell is just brilliant. “Ok, I may be dead but I’M TAKING HIM WITH ME!”

by lhasafi on May 7, 2009 1:54 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Within seconds, it turned into a sublime combination of ultra violence and slapstick. As they pound, pound, pounded each other’s skulls, you could see all the faces in the crowd light up with joy. Grown men, little girls– they’d been waiting their whole l

I almost died laughing.

Brad Ziegler had a scoreless inning streak. Brad Ziegler had not met BJ Upton.

by P Brady on May 7, 2009 2:27 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

WTF?!?!?! Thats the funniest thing ever. So many classic lines in 1 article!!!! The more you read it, the funnier it gets!!!

- The referee thought he was only there to check people for ninja stars

On Frye v Takayama
- Watch this chess match unfold on Youtube.

LOL

Would I violate BE terms if I signed up under another name just so I could rec this post again?!?

by GeeDub on May 7, 2009 3:05 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

OMGthatwastoofunny

I had never seen Krazy Horse run out the ring before – what the hell is he doing?

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. -Samuel Beckett

by themachiavellian on May 7, 2009 3:06 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I can’t wait to see him fight again – once he’s cleared legally and everything. He’s still shy of 30.

by subo on May 7, 2009 5:06 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

The way he’s been conducting himself in the past, he’ll probably end up having a longer criminal record than MMA record.

by lhasafi on May 8, 2009 11:36 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

That's the best history of MMA I've ever seen in any medium

"the spirit of your average dumbass with more overblown rhetoric" OR "the self-appointed savior of MMA"

by Kid Nate on May 7, 2009 3:47 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Man, I wasted 400 pages for something that guy did in two.

by Jonathan Snowden on May 8, 2009 12:19 AM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

What a colossal waste of time.

by subo on May 8, 2009 1:20 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

For real. Good thing I got paid so something came out of it!

by Jonathan Snowden on May 8, 2009 10:26 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

:-)

by subo on May 8, 2009 2:23 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

You guys are pissing on my dreams of writing professionally about MMA.

"I'm AJB and I endorse this nut-puncher."

by AJB on May 8, 2009 2:44 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Someone’s got to do it – wouldn’t you rather it be us than millions of potential readers?

by subo on May 8, 2009 3:00 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Ouch. Point to Subo.

"I'm AJB and I endorse this nut-puncher."

by AJB on May 8, 2009 4:43 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

That was amazing

I think Randleman/Cro Cop should be on there, too – but the Bryant Gumbel line was absolutely priceless. And yes, Bob Sapp could beat Jesus in a fish-making contest.

This was great.

by subo on May 7, 2009 5:05 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

After the fight went to the ground, Keith Hackney passed to side mount. Or as it was known back then, hey-get-up-and-do-karate-you-queers position.

Vitor’s first four fights in the UFC were all the same. He ran in, punched his opponent in the face 70,000 times in ten seconds, and then his corner would cheer "jiu jitsu! jiu jitsu!" in victory. I think it must be portuguese for "face doctor! face doctor!

The accuracy of this one is STUNNING.

by subo on May 7, 2009 5:14 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs

It was difficult not to laugh out loud in a classroom full of kids taking a test.

especially when I read,

“…while wearing a thong over his jockstrap. What a Fashion Don’t! That’s like your dick wearing socks with sandals.”

Whoever writes this shit is awesome.

by nandez44 on May 8, 2009 2:32 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

my first sig

What a Fashion Don’t! That’s like your dick wearing socks with sandals.

by nandez44 on May 8, 2009 2:55 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

Oh Seanbaby...

I seriously LOVED this dude when I was in like Jr. High/High School. It’s nice to see he’s still got “it”

Contributing Editor - BloodyElbow.com - SBNation's mixed martial arts headquarters.

http://CurseOfRonKarkovice.blogspot.com/

by Brent Brookhouse on May 8, 2009 11:03 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs

EXACTLY!

I think I was in High School when I first saw Seanbaby.com and it’s been a long time since he had a strong internet presence again, glad to see his is still as funny now.

by VegasBatman on May 8, 2009 2:48 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

The referee thought he was only there to check people for ninja stars, so he had no idea it was his responsibility to save someone from this type of savagery. He was only there to enforce no rules!

That was everyone’s favorite ref, Big John McCarthy.

by mythbuster on May 8, 2009 12:17 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs