ALL YOUR TITLES ARE BELONG TO US

"I have spent my whole life waiting to become champion. That moment is finally here." - Lyoto Machida, who will challenge Rashad Evans for the UFC light heavyweight title this Saturday at UFC 98. (Setanta)

"Rashad can’t defend my style. Nobody can." - Machida, brimming with the confidence of any urine-drinking samurai.

"What I mean through this figure of speech is that I see my body as a sword, as a samurai would, because I need to get at my opponent and I need to harm my opponent; that is what I look to do." - Machida, having to explain a very simple metaphor to a boorish American journalist. (MMA Mania)

"If you conquer the will of the man, you conquer the man himself. That is my quest." - Machida, practicing his Purple Nurple technique.

"My focus, for sure, is on my division now, later is later. Maybe a fight against Brock Lesnar." - Machida, like I said, "All your titles are belong to us." (Tatame)

TAKEN

"As I came into the apartment complex, a guy held me up at gunpoint and then he called his friends. And then a total of five people came up to the apartment. They were armed and my family was in the bathroom - I’ve got two kids - so it was just a terrible situation." - Chris Wilson, describing the break-in of his house.  Wilson is scheduled to fight Brock Larson at UFC 98. (The Score)

"And then they cleaned out whatever they wanted. They were after small stuff, but they took our TV and my laptop, and jewelry. And they took some of the kids’ clothing and Nike tennis shoes, which are expensive down here." - Wilson, allegedly robbed by Brazilian dwarves.

FAMILY DINNER BECAME A LITTLE MORE AWKWARD WHEN DADDY HIT MOMMY

"I need some time off anyway, and when everyone stops worrying about it, I’ll make my decision on my own." - Former UFC light heavyweight champ Chuck Liddell, kindly telling everyone to shut the fuck up. (MMA Madness)

"Right now, I couldn’t say that I’m not going to fight again." - Liddell, and I couldn't say that Liddell shouldn't not fight never again.

"I’ll listen to [White] as a friend, but he’s not going to make me do anything." - Liddell, except, you know, if he doesn't offer you a fight.

"The last thing you want to do if you want me to do something is to tell me I have to do it." - Liddell, off to the Hannah Montana concert.

A COUPLE OF DICKS

"He used to be the bigger, stronger and better athlete than most of these guys and he could just do his thing, and that’s what’s been his biggest downfall, his ego." - Former UFC welterweight champ Matt Serra.  The Emperor replied, "Your faith in your friends will be yours." (Pro MMA Radio)

"I’m sure he thinks that because he’s bigger than me or that he can bench press more than me that he’ll just come in and take me down." - Serra.  Well, that and your sorry excuse for takedown defense.

"I am healthy as a horse right now; I feel great." - Serra, unfortunately that horse is Barbaro. (MMA Mania)

"If I lost fans because of TUF 6 then they weren’t fans of me before the show and they weren’t really fans to begin with." - Former UFC welterweight champ Matt Hughes.  Same line O.J. Simpson used after the murder charges.

"But I think it will go my way and my wife tells me that I will go all three rounds and he will be a bloody mess when I get done." - Hughes, married to Miss Cleo. (The Fight Network)

CHOOSE LIFE.  CHOOSE A JOB.  CHOOSE A CAREER.

"They said I was clinically dead for over a minute." - Luke "One Arm" Thomas look-a-like Matt Brown, on his addiction to heroin. (MMA Junkie)

"[Overdosing] was one of the best things to happen to me." - Brown, saying something that would easily be the worst thing ever to happen to me.

"For the record, right now, I think someone needed to come out and say it: I think smoking pot is good for mixed martial artists." - Pothead of the Century Nick Diaz, with some unsurprising commentary. (The Garv)

"It’s a new day and age, this is, uh, the year … Fuck year is it?" - Diaz, not your stereotypical stoner.

DON'T SAY THAT, RASHAD

"Sometimes you go out there and you may feel like you’re going to have a great performance and sometimes you feel like 'Damn, I sucked today.'" - UFC light heavyweight champ Rashad Evans, commenting on my sex life. (MMA Mania)

"I definitely wanted to fight him but I actually think Lyoto is more deserving of the title shot; I think he is a better fight then Rampage Jackson. He has done more to get the shot; either way I want to fight the best." - Evans, subtly throwing Keith Jardine under the bus.

YOUR WEEKLY DOSE OF SEXY

"I think that regardless of whether it’s men or women saying so, to be called sexy by anyone is high praise." - Yoshihiro "Sexyama" Akiyama, melting the hearts of fanboys everywhere. (Sherdog)

"He's sexy. Except for that fat-ass jaw. I look like a black-ass chipmunk." - Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, commenting on his UFC: Undisputed 2009 character. (MMA Junkie)

"He hadn't looked like that since he was 15." - Jackson, ribbing the THQ staff for giving Chuck Liddell a six-pack.

"I'm going to play with myself all the time, now." - Jackson

"Now he can go put the mask back on and have fun with himself." - Bobby Lashley, following his destruction of Mike Cook, describing a sexual fetish I need to try out. (Cage Writer)

WHITE NOISE

"But why would I fight this goof? He’s neither a fighter nor a promoter. He’s a fuckin’ loser. That’s all he is." - UFC President Dana White, on the fight challenge from Affliction's Tom Atencio. (Cage Writer)

"He should be worried about the millions and millions of his bosses, or his partners’ money, whoever it is, that’s he’s burning. That’s a complete joke." - White

"If I were him, I'd want to fight me, too. I'm the guy who is killing all of his hopes and dreams." - White, ice cold.

PARTING SHOTS

"I’m not a guy that likes to encounter conflict; I’d rather avoid it when it’s possible." - Former UFC middleweight champ Rich Franklin.  See: Silva/Franklin I, Silva/Franklin II. (MMA Weekly)

"I’m the last person to say I’m a submission artist." - Bob Sapp, who's the first? (MMA Mania)

"I was reading the Bible the other day. I realized something, all these crazy, like, Palin people that talk about Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus hung out with, like, the lowest of the low. He hung out with like whores and derelicts. He really did. He was, like, the most liberal guy of his time. It just really amuses me. Jesus was a liberal." - Former UFC light heavyweight champ Forrest Griffin, who was right about being a smart dumb guy.  Or a dumb smart guy.  Or a recent descendant of apes. (Cage Writer)

"Whatever he decides to do, I’ll back him. Maybe he’ll be the accountant." - Former UFC heavyweight and light heavyweight champ Randy Couture, on Chuck Liddell's retirement decision. (MMA Weekly)

"Oh, and tell Dana White I said, 'hi!'" - Former Pride lightweight champ Takanori Gomi.