Here's what methinks about UFC 95.
- Dan Hardy sponsored by HGH, which turns out to be Homeopathic Growth Hormone. Snort. In other news, Joe Stevenson was sponsored by Ultimate Power Air, Diego Sanchez was sponsored by Pure 100% Ultra-Nothing, and Demian Maia was sponsored by Xtreem-Chi-Blast-Water.
- Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg caught with their own giant feet in their mouth, salivating, mid-chomp, just as Koscheck gets knocked the fuck out by an apparently inferior striker. In other news, the colourful commentators are meeting with their financial advisor to discuss the issue of whether they should remove some of their eggs from the single basket they have.
- Demian Maia on being lucky enough to discover his doppelganger, and then triangling the shit out of it: "Yes it was a very lucky for me to find a man with my exact of a face. We have same chin and kind of sticky out ears. Unfortunate for my doppelganger his jiu jitsu is sucks [laughs]"
- Nate Marquardt on not being watched by the guy at Martial Farts (me) because his fights are too long and boring: "You really should watch my fights, dude. I am getting much better, much more exciting. Seriously." My response: "Shit, okay dude. I'll think about it. Sorry about that."
- Dan Hardy on his quest to become as good as an American at MMA. "I'm doing my best man. I am working on getting my body to look good, and I have got the hairstyle down. I've also been winning fights. I hope that within the next year or so you'd be able to mistake me for an American in the cage. I like to think I'm probably about Japanese level now, or maybe Russian. Shooting for American standard this year." Hardy also promises not to forget his Englishness: "Outside of the cage I'm as British as they come. I have bad teeth, dip Rich Tea biscuits in my tea, and I love football. Sometimes if I'm feeling really English I'll dip my football in my cup of tea and then headbutt a fox or whatever."
- Diego Sanchez looks like he's on peyote or some other mind-altering substance when he comes into the ring. Like he can see through time and space, man... Or maybe he has just watched Karate Kid and Best of the Best too many times (if that's even possible!). Diego seems like the kind of guy you'd bump into at a party and he'd start talking to you and then he just wouldn't stop, and you'd kind of start examining a sculpture on the shelf behind him and nodding your head then checking your phone and saying uh huh, scratching your ear while he blabbers on and on and then you make eye contact with someone much less twatty who comes over and you leave Diego mid-sentence but he barely notices and continues spraying nonsense from his mouth. Kind of like Dana White did on his vlog.
- I tried to watch Neil Grove vs. some other big fat dude with a beard but this totally awesome piece of dust was kind of swirling around in the corner of my room and I just couldn't take my eyes off it. I think I saw some paint drying on the wall too but upon closer inspection it was already dry. I watched it for a bit anyway. Then I just closed my eyes and sighed. Then the fight was finished. Ho hum.
- The UFC breathes a sigh of relief as the gamble pays off again and a bunch of upper-middle class UFC fighters, first timers and English dudes deliver a solid event. Analogy: UFC buys a pack of mouldy old fireworks for cheap. Takes them to England. Lights the fuse, steps back, and waits... waits... waits.... gulps, mops brow, nervous laughter... waits... BOOM! ZAPOW! SKREEEK! Fireworks ensue! Thanks goodness! Dana White wipes his brow theatrically, high-fives Lorenzo Fertitta, backflips into a golden Ferrari, headbutts a horse that was just standing there and is like "huh?" then zooms off into the air leaving a trail of fire.