YOU CAN'T SUSPEND ME, BRO. DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
"I've got to come back (in March), and if they take my money and [heavily] fine me, I won't make it until the end of the year. It's that bad for me with income. If they won't level with me, it's going to be pretty hard for me." - Karo Parisyan, who recently tested positive for a painkiller version of a Long Island Iced Tea. (Cage Potato)
"I'm just going to tell them, 'Listen, I'm sorry.' I had a prescription for one pain pill; the other I didn't have a prescription for. I have a very high resistance to pain pills, and I took some. I'm sorry." - Parisyan, look he had a prescription, bro!
"This is the only way I have to support my family. If I don't fight, I'm going to be homeless by the end of the year." - Parisyan. Maybe you should, I don't know, get a fucking job, bro.
"I'm going to try to get married in August. If I don't fight and I get fined, my entire year — everything I was supposed to do — will just go down the toilet. Between my marriage and my house, I'll lose everything if you take my money away." - Parisyan, keep it together, bro.
A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR YOUNG FIGHTERS
"No, I was helping Matt Lindland get ready to fight Vitor Belfort, so I’ve only been focused on Demian Maia for the last couple of weeks." - Uncrowned WEC middleweight champion Chael Sonnen, showing the mark of a true professional. You at least found some good jiu-jitsu guys to work with, right? (Cage Potato)
"I didn’t bring anybody in, just the guys at [Team] Quest. The same guys I always work out with." - Sonnen. Oh. God, you're an idiot.
DANA WHITE IS SLIGHTLY AMUSED
"You’re shitting me, right?" - UFC President Dana White, after hearing Chael Sonnen believes him and Demian Maia are the two best middleweights in the world. (Yahoo)
"Chael Sonnen really said that? And he was serious? OK. Whatever. I’ve heard everything now. More power to him, I guess." - White
...AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
"Guys will push the envelope in every way possible. Vaseline has always been an issue in MMA. It's a real problem." - Legendary referee John McCarthy, adding his thoughts on GreaseGate. (Cage Potato)
"You can't notice it when they're dry, but when they get on the ground and start to sweat, it starts to come out of their pores." - McCarthy, shedding light on fighters taking mineral and soapy baths before fights.
LOOK AT ALL THE YOUTUBE HITS
"Especially since I fought some fat guy, out of shape, no good, and it got over 300,000 hits on YouTube, OK?" - Former UFC champion Ken Shamrock, explaining why he can still be successful on pay-per-view. (Cage Potato)
FROM THE LAND OF "SIT ON A DONG"
"Yeah it went from an email, to a text to a friend of the camp. I think next it will be a fax, and then it'll probably be a bird that delivered a telegram to him from a roommate's brother's dog's owner's sister." - Kenny Florian laughing off allegations he tipped B.J. Penn's camp about Georges St. Pierre's extracurriculars. (Fighters Only)
"People have tried that on me in the past, but what they don't know is that they're playing checkers and I'm playing chess." - Florian, self-proclaimed master of psychological warfare.
"He said he’s ready to come back. He wants to come back in the UFC and he’d love to fight in Germany." - Dana White commenting on the possible return of Mirko Filipovic. (Fighters Only)
"I'm sure they're going to put on some good shows, and hopefully, they can make that business model work for them. I've got nothing negative to say about them whatsoever." - White, on the rise of Strikeforce. (USA Today)
"Yes, I will fight again on the next Affliction card. Besides this, me and my management hope to get a chance to talk to Dana White in person in June to discuss a possible fight between me and Brock (Lesnar)." - WAMMA heavyweight champion Fedor Emelianenko (Dream Fighters)
"I want to be the champ so bad, if you throw a baseball bat in that Octagon for my opponent to use and beat me with, I’m going to keep fighting and try to win the fight." - Wilson Gouveia, who would get beaten worse than that chick and the chimp. (But not really because chimps are fucking brutal.) (Cage Potato)
"It was the worst experience of my goddamned life." - Don Frye, on his time as a coach in the IFL. (Sherdog)
"I got to thinking, what if you weren’t happy with the way things were going in an arm wrestling match? What if you could just reach across the table and punch the other guy in the face?" - "Brain child" of XARM Art Davie, explaining the brilliance of his creation. (MMA Payout)