Let's Invasion with America Hyper Fight Power!!

Japan is, metaphorically speaking, ripe for invasion, I am sure of it. Take it from someone who lives here; this is a nation that loves foreign stuff more than an old dude on a beach with a metal detector.

Black coffee isn't just called "black coffee" over here. It's American Kohee...

The bed I sleep on at night isn't just a bed. It's a France Bed. It has nothing at all to do with France other than the apparent bed-related awesomeness the word "France" conjures up.

English makes up about 20% of the nation's vocabulary. You can literally stumble your way through an entire day by putting a heavy accent on words extracted from popular Western culture. Old lady almost spills a drink on your lap? No problem! Just swipe your arms through the air and yell "SAFE!!" like a baseball umpire. She'll get the picture.

Workmate just completed a particularly important project? Give him two thumbs up and blurt out: "Nice play!"

Schoolgirl panty vending machine just spat out two pairs of used panties by mistake? Elbow the drooling salaryman next to you and yell "Lucky!!"

The point is, foreign stuff goes down a treat in Japan. From the pimply-faced balding and overweight English guy with a bevvy of black-haired beauties on his arm to the profanity-laced American hip hop that assaults the un-knowing ears of 15 year old girls shopping for accessories in boutiques, if it's foreign, it's probably cool.

Dana White said "It’s a very, very, very tough place to navigate and do business. But, fuck ‘em. We’re going to do it anyway. They will not stop me from going into Japan."

I assume by "they" he means the giant killer robots with American-seeking missiles that used to guard the airports and seaports of Japan against invasion. Maybe he doesn't know they were decommissioned and sold for scrap metal about the same time Britney Spears started humping the air and singing about getting hit.

What the UFC needs to do in Japan is live up to exactly the reputation that America, and American things, have in Japan. It needs to explode onto the scene in a shower of incredibly tasteless red white and blue sparks with power chords chunking out of speakers, cheerleaders backflipping over your face and cigar-chomping body builders headbutting machine guns attached to bald eagles driving Hummers.

It needs to be big, brash and completely over the top. Dana needs to roll through Tokyo in a stretch Hummer while Randy Couture and Chuck Liddell throw wads of cash at an adoring crowd. Brock Lesnar should be riding a Harley behind them with Anderson Silva and BJ Penn balancing on his shoulders. For the coup de grace, a red white and blue private jet should swoop down from on high and Satoshi Ishii, Caol Uno, Yamamoto Kid and 50 Cent somersault out and start rapping in broken English with megaphones.

Okay, okay, you may, may accuse me of being over the top. But I really do think that the UFC needs to come in guns blazing, all or nothing, if they want to conquer Japan. The time has never been more right; Obama is big news over here; the Japanese MMA scene is flat and tasteless, and the fans are begging for a little bit of American framboyant fighting show.

I think the UFC should portray itself as a piece of entertainment, packed full of larger than life fight-game celebrities. Whatever happens I am definitely looking forward to it.