The Hardcore MMA Fan Classification Project
by Ubernoober on Oct 7, 2009 3:00 AM EDT
19 comments
I am not a MMA fan. I am in fact a sociology professor from Harvard who has spent the last year researching this peculiar subset of sporting fans known as “Hardcores”. Like Jane Goodall with her chimpanzees, I have immersed myself in your society and taken notes as you formed tribes and threw feces at each other to gain dominance. Certain types of “Hardcore” fans tend to attach themselves to their favorite fighters and I have analyzed their tendencies in the body of this report.
“Brockus Brocklesnarus Lesnarus”
Habitat: Midwest United States
Height: 2m +
Mass: 105kg +
Mating Habits: None Observed
Habits: Breaking Prop Doors
Plumage: Dethklutch
Vocalization: MUR.
Notes: this subspecies can be found primarily defending steroid allegations, and fighting their only competitors, the Fedorianicans.
"Fedorianicanus Emilimencus"
Habitat: Western United States, Japan
Height: 1.6 to 1.9m
Mass: 80 to 90kg
Mating Habits: None Observed
Habits: Learning Russian Online
Plumage: Pride T-Shirt
Vocalization: Pride Never Die!
Notes: The Fedorianicanus Emilimencus is a fascinating subspecies that spends all waking hours coming up with reasons that their man is so good, that he doesn’t even have to fight to prove he’s #1.
"Ureaus Machidus"
Habitat: Eastern United States, Scrabble Clubs
Height: 1.5 to 1.6m
Mass: -70kg
Mating Habits: None Observed
Habits: Mastering the Crand Kick
Plumage: Anime Based
Vocalization: Just Wait! He’s the Best ever in the future!
Notes: The Ureaus Machidus routinely ingests urine to gain it’s ancient Chinese powers. This gives them the power to see into the future when all MMA is Shokotan Karate based and Lyoto Machida is God.
"Gorgeous Saintus Pierrus"
‘abiat: Quebec
‘eight: 1.7m
Mass: 66kg
Mating ‘abits: C'est tres bon, merci.
'abits: Grooming, always grooming
Plumage: Affliction
Vocalizations: Je ne fait pas bonne impression par toi performance.
Notes: extremely virile and good looking with French accents, few females can resist the charms of these Canadians
"Babus Jayus Pennus"
Habitat: Hawaii, Western United States
Height: 1.9 to 2.1m
Mass: 70kg in shape, 77kg out of shape
Mating Habits: None Observed
Habits: Chillaxing
Plumage: Coppertone
Vocalizations: GREASER!!!!!
Notes: This group was blessed with the best tools of any group, but prefers to play hacky sack.
"Brandus Suckus Veritas"
Habitat: Philippines
Mass: 81kg
Height: 1.83m
Mating Habits: None Observed
Habits: Writing Articles for Bloodyelbow
Plumage: Purple and Orange
Vocalizations: visit weoweoweo.deviantart.com! :D
Notes: This group is a critically endangered species, with only one remaining member. After November 15, it is expected to go extinct.
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………Im just gonna back outta here slowly and hope nobody saw me come in.
by GeeDub on Oct 7, 2009 8:01 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Good to see Harvard’s money being put to good use.
Twitter: @Mike_Fagan_13
http://www.sackmikegoldberg.com
by Mike Fagan on Oct 7, 2009 8:38 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I love that only one of the observed subsets have mating habits, given I hail from the “Gorgeous Saintus Pierrus” subset of harcores.
Funny read, especially the Brock one. Good post =-)
'He built his whole reputation as a waffle house chef. They’ve been serving him up ham and eggs with a side of canned tomatoes' - Don Frye on Fedor Emelianenko
by Well Read Idiot on Oct 7, 2009 10:20 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
LOL @ BJ “chillaxin”
We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms, turning every good thing to rust.
by Robert Downey Sr. on Oct 7, 2009 10:26 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
This post is scarily well thought out. I fear, I fear.
"Why am I here? Why does my mind have wings? Why do blue midgets hit me with fish?!" - The Tick
by mythbuster on Oct 7, 2009 1:42 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Oh no you didn't...
How many members does the “Randus Granpadus Couturis” tribe have?
I think anti canadian’s are winning the poll mister.. It’s a good thing that you’re switching nationalities this November.. :)
by Anton Tabuena on Oct 7, 2009 1:46 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
It’s deadlocked at 50/50.
Like my stats prof always said, “50% of people are below average.”
Keep firing Assholes!
The Leafs are back!
by Ubernoober on Oct 8, 2009 1:38 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Your stats prof was wrong. 49% percent of people are below average.
"I'm AJB and I endorse this nut-puncher."
by AJB on Oct 8, 2009 4:15 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
+1
well done sir
Supporting all Las Vegas MMA. Xtreme Couture FTMFW.
'09 is the year of the FW's.
by ElliotMatheny on Oct 7, 2009 4:26 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
This reminds me a bit of Cage Potato’s recent “What your favourite fighter says about you” article. It was a really funny read.
http://www.cagepotato.com/what-your-favorite-fighter-says-about-you
by brad23 on Oct 7, 2009 6:42 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
That was the inspiration. I wanted to take it to a new level.
Keep firing Assholes!
The Leafs are back!
by Ubernoober on Oct 8, 2009 1:33 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Hmmm...
Looks like I need to change my screen name, avatar, and move West. Unless of course I’m the exception because there has to be one right?
Twitter ain't no bitch homie! -> @El_Duderino1312
by midwestbred on Oct 7, 2009 7:10 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
BJ Penn and the coppertone made me lol but other than that you tried too hard
2/10
by Excelsior! on Oct 8, 2009 7:45 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Hitting a little too close to home?
Keep firing Assholes!
The Leafs are back!
by Ubernoober on Oct 8, 2009 11:53 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Sorry ubernoober of the anti veritas clan.. looks like Team Canada is losing on the polls..
by Anton Tabuena on Oct 9, 2009 8:10 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
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