I HAVE AN AFFLICTION, AND THE ONLY PRESCRIPTION IS MORE TRASH TALK

"There’s the asshole. Oh! did I just say this on TV?" - HDNet analyst Bas Rutten. Yes, Bas, you did, and we're all a little happier for it. (MMA Mania)

"I was flipping through 944 magazine and I see Dana there all swelled out from steroids. You look at the kettle, the kettle's black. You can't look at him any other way, the kettle's black." - Former UFC light heavyweight champion Tito Ortiz, I guess insinuating that he's the pot? (Cage Writer)

"No, I wasn't surprised because Sylvia just stood right in front of him. And I know Sylvia can be beaten quickly because I beat Sylvia in 47 seconds. Of course, after that he beat me twice." - Former UFC heavyweight champion Andrei Arlovski, when asked if he was surprised that Fedor Emelianenko defeated Tim Sylvia in a swift 36 seconds. (Fanhouse)

"I think Andrei Arlovski is a douche bag and I think he's bad for the sport. He's rude to fans. I don't like him." - Former UFC heavyweight champion Tim Sylvia, returning the favor. But how does his pee pee taste, Tim? (RingleaderFightNews.com)

"I think there has to be (competition). I think when you have a one-horse race, things get boring. They put on 20 events a year, they don't have to put much into the cards. They don't give much to their real fans." - Donald Trump Jr., who must have missed UFC 91, UFC 92, and the upcoming UFC 94. Though Paul Buentello and Gilbert Yvel on the same card make a strong case for Affliction. (Cage Writer)

FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABY FACED ASSASSINS

"That guy's a dirtbag. He throws a bunch of money on stage, of course when a girl goes to pick it up, he slams her head into the stage. You can't do that. You can't be laying hands on women." - Former UFC heavyweight champion Josh Barnett, not taking about upcoming opponent Gilbert Yvel, but former Dallas Cowboy Adam "Pacman" Jones. (Cage Writer)

"Gilbert Yvel hasn't ended anyone's career or paralyzed people or had anybody shot. I'd easily give Gilbert a chance, one chance, to fight agan. Pacman, I'd throw that guy in prison." - Barnett, going to even further lengths to defend a man known for biting, eye couging, and assaulting officials.

"As far as his striking not being impressive, I guess Freddie Roach is going to eat crow." Barnett, debating comments made by Roach with regards to Fedor's boxing. (Cage Writer)

"The minute you push him, he doesn't go back, he comes forward and he just immediately punches and tries to take you down. If he encounters trouble on the feet, he doesn't try to stay and work his way out of that, he changes gears." - Barnett, on Fedor's strategy and reaction to an aggressive opponent.

IF HE DOESN'T KILL ST. PIERRE, HE'S GOING TO IMPALE SOME CAMERAMEN

"I told them that if you keep doing this these cameras aren’t going to come around anymore so you guys better straighten up your act." - UFC lightweight champion B.J. Penn, upset about being portrayed as a lazy, spoiled rich kid in the first episode of "UFC Prime Time." (TapOut Radio)

"People who don't believe I can win this fight, it's simply because they don't believe in themselves that they could go out and beat a great champion at a higher weight. And it's really their problem and their lack of confidence." - Penn, who needs to know that there are those of us who are willing to risk downing an entire bottle of maple syrup for him. (Cage Writer)

"It’s surprising that he’s in such good shape without the use of steroids or growth hormones, he’s eating cheeseburgers and all that. (GSP trainer) Firas [Zahabi], after the fight, he can go home, walk to his bedroom, take his shoes off, lie down in his bed, take about 20 or 30 minutes and go fuck himself." - Penn, badass. That is all. (Hardcore Sports Radio)

DEMOCRACY LOL

"What the people from Ultimate Fighting will tell you is that 'We've changed the rules and it's no longer this brutal, no-holds-barred sport that it was in the past. That's far from the whole story. What they don't tell you is what is allowed. Kicking to the head. Kneeing them. Sitting on top of them and repeatedly punching them in the head and face. They don't tell you those things." - New York Assemblyman Bob Reilly, who I must imagine has a little brother complex. Hey Bob, take B.J.'s advise to Zahabi and go fuck yourself, buddy. (Newsday)

YOU'RE A FUCKING LEGEND, BRO

"You won that round. You're winning that fight. You hurt him bad twice. He'll be looking for a way out. It's a war and you're winning. You hurt him twice. He's really hurt, he's on wobbly legs. Just throw punches. You're a legend, it's war. You're doing awesome. It's a great fucking fight. Blast the straight right hand. All you need is the straight right hand. Straight right hand. Straight right hand." - Phil Baroni, giving encouragement in the corner of former UFC champion Mark Coleman after round one.  Coleman lost a decisive first round. (Cage Writer)

"Coleman you're a legend. You're gonna win this fight. You are a legend. He's dead tired, he couldn't even do it. He's gonna go with two right hands in a row. Just throw rights hands. He's standing there dead tired. It's an unbelievable fight bro. It's a great fucking fight. You're gonna fucking win dude." - Baroni, after the second round.  Coleman proceeded to be knocked out in the third round.

"I didn’t have any money for a training camp before this fight. Those things cost money man and I just couldn’t afford it." - Coleman, legendary. (Telegraph)

AS COOL AS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW

"Stuart Scott from ESPN, because I’m tired of his one-liners that haven’t been cool since Hammer couldn’t touch this." - Drew Fickett, when asked who he would choose if he could fight anyone.  Boo yah! (MMA Fiend)

IS MIKE THOMAS BROWN A SATANIST?

"To get a title shot anywhere is a dream come true, but to get it in my home state is unreal. I have a lot of advantages fighting in Texas. I think God is stacking the deck against Mike. That’s my take on it anyway." - Leonard Garcia, taking the "Jesus in sports" thing way too far. (Corpus Christi Caller Times)

MORE WORLD CLASS TRAINING REGIMENS

"It’s just me in Auburn up here at Vision Quest. It’s a bunch of new guys I’m working with." - Former UFC lightweight champion Jens Pulver, downgrading his training for a fight with a man who dominated him for five rounds.  Smart.  (MMA Weekly)

"Man, I wish one of these days, I’m going to give AMC and Matt Hume two solid months to train, but I haven’t had that luxury." - Pulver, it's not like you're a professional fighter or anything.

THE CHUCK LIDDELL DEFENSE

"I'm known for letting it all hang loose. I barely missed that elbow. Live by the sword, die by the sword. It's part of the fight game. On occasion you lose." - Former WEC featherweight champion Urijah Faber.  Maybe next time you should throw flashy, wild elbows at really solid opposition.  But that wouldn't be alpha male, would it? (Cage Writer)

WHITE NOISE

"If you saw the fallout with me and B.J. during ["Primetime Live"] — a lot of people thought that was contrived, but we don’t fucking fake anything here — it was all real." - UFC President Dana White.  Um, what about the ringtone we heard which was clearly added in post-production?  (IGN)

"The whole thing with the phone call was just that all he needed to do was pick up the phone and say, ‘Everything’s good. I’m training.’ It would have avoided a lot of behind the scenes drama." - White, or you could just get the fuck out of his business.

"You’re lucky if you see three or four of these fights in your lifetime." - White, true story.  Hopefully it lives up to the hype. (Las Vegas Sun)

PARTING SHOTS

"I’ve had a string of bad luck." - Ken Shamrock, yeah, a 3-8 record sine 2000 is "bad luck." (Sherdog)

"I think they’ve put me in other fights where they expected me to lose, but that didn’t happen. I guess I’m the guy they get to step in whenever they need somebody." - Keith Jardine, UFC whipping boy. (SI.com)

"We’re talking you’re up there with Anderson Silva and St. Pierre and Miguel Torres. That’s a pretty long, tall list to be on top of." - UFC interim heavyweight champion Frank Mir, arguing that calling Brock Lesnar a top fighter would put him on top of a very exclusive list.  Mir, predictably, disagrees. (MMA Weekly)

"I think with Silva you have to rough him up a bit, get in his face and smother his work. I think that is where people have been going wrong, they give him the distance to work with." - TUF 2 winner Michael Bisping, who should ask Dan Henderson, Rich Franklin, and James Irvin how that worked for them.  (Fighters Only)

"She has a heart. If she wants to be a fighter, she can be." - Master Toddy, trainer for a young girl who was chained to a bed by her dad as punishment for sneaking food when she was trying to make weight. (KTNV Las Vegas)